How Do I Get To Kohukohu Mate?
When working at Stan James I learnt three very valuable words that became a mantra in the office (other than the legendary, Get in, yeahhhhh!).
It was all started by my old mucker, ‘The Dragon’, a welsh wizard who knew exactly the correct response to any puzzling question or situation and delivered these three words in the style of Travis Bickle aka the movie Taxi Driver “ You looking at me”? Style.
I was given cause to use these three wise words yesterday when I contacted another old mucker Hugh upon my arrival in New Zealand.
I only learned last week than New Zealand is made up of 3 different islands and not one so you can imagine my naivety in the first place. I contacted Hugh and asked him where he lived and how to get there; his response was,
“Its North mate, Kohukohu, on the Hokianga harbour, just go via Whangarie after Okaihau”. Those Dragon words immediately entered my mind I knew with utmost certainty they were never more appropriate as I spoke them,
“You what mate”?
More of New Zealand later, first to matters that occurred over the last week….
Last week I entered the dormitory after burning myself on the beach to discover all my worldly possessions had gone. It took about 4 seconds for my brain to register that my backpack containing my clothes along with all my valuables had gone. What was one to do in this situation? I had two options, cry or laugh and after another 5 seconds and a slight bottom lip wobble I pissed myself laughing.
Imagine my relief when I was to discover that the backpacking staff had removed my things for safekeeping. Clearly on our dorm door it states that gear mustn’t be left on the floor when the cleaners come in or all items will be removed and a $10 fine will be imposed for reclaiming stuff, never have I been so happy to pay a fine.
A whole week in a hostel and I am still learning some valuable lessons. Last week I reminded myself never to go to bed with a terrible pair of under crackers on when sharing a room. This week I would like to add it is very important when going to sleep wearing a fine pair of boxer shorts, always remember to button up the fly or you may wake up being stared at by 3 scared looking Irish girls looking at your semi erect penis. By the looks on their faces all three were so traumatized that I would bet on them all becoming nuns.
My nakedness often has this effect on people
Other than that faux pas it has been a very successful week in my new surroundings. Sadly the Swedish girls moved out on Friday, which was a huge disappointment to my roommates and I. When I was younger I used to fantasize about waking up with 2 semi naked Swedish girls cavorting around in their underwear pillow fighting, who knew that fantasy was to become a reality years later. Emily and Carolina also used me as a fashion consultant, asking which lingerie they should wear and what dress went with what shoes; I took considerable time before answering these questions of course.
It wasn’t just the Swedish girls on the move this week; Superlise and I said our goodbyes as she moved up to Brisbane and I to New Zealand. We had a great laugh together (with the inevitable couple of fights) and I was pleased that in Manly she finally met some friends of her own age and sex; Lauren in particular will live long in the memory. We may meet again somewhere along the way but the aspects of our personality that we share is our unpredictable nature and an aversion to budgeting so who knows. I’d only left her 10 minutes before I received texts telling me she had broken her ankle and was getting a tattoo; I think she’s coping without me.
I had a crack at a couple of ladies this week with mixed results. A Chinese masseuse proved to be a great laugh and an excellent companion over dinner, sadly though she was just under my minimum age requirement of 28 (I cannot date or fraternise with any women younger than my sister). Lady number 2 did pass the age factor but within 5 minutes I realised I had started a charm offence on an absolute fucking nutter. I normally protect and love a pint like a Mother would her child but in this case I abandoned my pint without even a goodbye, that’s how mental she was.
As many readers have guessed the Spillanester isn’t adverse to a lady on the large side and last week I chanced upon the biggest sexiest lady ever, Queen Elizabeth the Second arrived in Sydney Harbour and took the place by storm. Everyone was equally fascinated to see her arrival and departure, Superlise took abut 50 million pictures which wasn’t anywhere near enough in my opinion, she may have a few miles on the clock but she’s still got it. What a proud moment to be British when she came into town strutting her stuff and showing Sydney what she’s made of.
A truly spectacular moment, momentous to have been here for it.
And so to New Zealand. I had a few reasons for coming, I had to renew my tourist visa for Australia and leaving the country was one way to do it.
Secondly this weekend is the huge Gay Mardi Grai in Sydney and to be honest I just didn’t really fancy it. Please don’t think I’m homophobic; some of my best friends know gays.
Lastly and most importantly I have two really good friends that live here. Hugh was a mate of mine I employed and sacked many moons ago and our friendship lasted even that little hiccup.
Sarah I was engaged to many moons ago and she has now married and had a little son, Daniel. I met up with Sarah yesterday, which was a little weird at first, but probably not as weird for me as it was for her husband Ade as he saw me saunter up his lawn with his wife yesterday afternoon. As expected we all got on famously well and in fact Ade and I are to see the Auckland Blues play the Highlanders at Eden Park in the Super 14 match on Friday night. He’s also given me some great tips of things to see and do here which makes me think already I may have to extend from the original 2-week booking I have made.
Hurrah for my two favourite sporting teams: the Irish Rugby Union team (the only sport in which I cheer Ireland over England) and the mighty Blues who were both victorious this weekend. All my family are Irish which helps explain why I support Ireland and I was born in Hammersmith but wasn’t daft enough to be a QPR fan which explains my Chelsea support.
Sadly I only saw the highlights of the rugby but I got to watch all of the footy and what a game that was. Goals, dodgy decisions, players being knocked unconscious and a massive punch up, all this and Ashley Cole wasn’t even on the field!
My mate Steve made me chuckle when I asked him why Mourinho and Abramovich had fallen out, here’s his response’
Mourinho`s moaning about not being able to sign a centre back. The Russian says he’s spent enough already, & why did he get rid of the best defender in premiership to one of their rivals!
Not to worry though you won’t miss Mourinho when he’s gone, there not silly at Chelsea, I’m sure they have a new quality manager lined up.
Steve
P.S BREAKING NEWS: Peter Kenyon seen meeting in a West London Hotel with David O’Leary!
Auckland at night
posted by lionel hutz at 2/28/2007
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