Spit Roast Spillane

The Lovely Samantha and I Before The Burns


It actually rained here earlier in the week; I couldn’t believe it, rain? No chance of sunburn then. I got badly sun burnt once in my life before, an occasion never to be forgotten by me.
In 1991 British airways introduced a one off special offer. To encourage people to fly after the gulf war they announced that on a certain date in April all flights on BA any where in the world would be free. All one had to do was fill in a request sheet naming the top 3 destinations you would like to go to in priority order. The offer was limited to one per household and I filled in 58,975 in total. Now one had to show a little level of cunning in this matter, there was no point in filling them all in with Sydney, Barbados or Mauritius as every other joker would be trying that, oh no my plan was to put in destinations that no one in their right mind would want to go to, Isle of Wight, Scotland and Iceland were all in there. I would then try and change the destination claiming I couldn’t go back to the winning country.

Sure enough on Grand National Day I received a letter from BA informing me that I had indeed won a free flight to…….Lisbon. Not a disaster but I was hoping for something meatier. After attending Aintree and watching Garrison Savannah cruelly beaten by Seagram (and watching most of my holiday money go down the tubes) I took the chance and phoned B.A. hoping to switch journeys. After claiming my best friend had recently been murdered in Portugal and there was no possible way I could return there due to emotion reasons; the helpful staff offered me 3 alternative destinations, Philadelphia, Miami or Tokyo. Philly was a non runner so it was eachey peachey on the other two and I had to make my mind up quickly, I elected Miami as the winner.

A few weeks later the lovely Samantha (my then girlfriend) and I were on our way business class (got upgraded thanks to connections) to Miami Florida; having never been outside of Europe before I was more than a little excited.
We landed in the afternoon, got a car, drove to Miami Beach and rented a room on the beach. It was late by the time we got there so an early night ensued. The next morning after breakfast we did a little shopping and I was amazed at how cheap Budweiser was, from memory a 6 pack cost $2 and as the exchange rate was at least 2:1 that meant I was paying about 17pence a can, decent.

I got my six pack and along with my new book ‘Silence of the lambs’, a Sony walkman playing mostly U2 and a brand new bottle of tanning oil, I didn’t want to mess about with high factors as I was a white as a sheet and I wanted to get as brown as possible as quickly as possible. We took our place on the wonderful
South Miami Beach and after a few cans I slumped into a deep sleep.
I was awoken by what can only be described as a rather large, muscled lifeguard who was prodding me and asking me to “get up, get up”; I did and I was ready for a scrap.
Just because he was a Baywatch look-alike didn’t mean he could muscle in on the lovely Samantha without a fight. Rather than put up his fists as I had he kept telling me “Go home Buddy” and “Your really burning here”. At first I thought it was another American friendly fire incident or that he had become scared of the Spillanesters gun’s but he just stood there and gawped as the lovely Samantha and I made our way back to the room and as it was about 5pm and I had been on the beach for about 5 hours I thought we may as well go and eat.

After showering and changing we made our way to a nearby pizza hut where I was about to discover all was not well. After our drinks arrived my right leg started to shake quite noticeably and when it was time to go to the salad bar the left leg started doing the same. The lovely Samantha asked me to please “pack it in Paul” but when my arms began going then my neck she knew it was serious and not one of my ill judged pranks. We left immediately as the spasms got worse and headed for the room where upon arrival I immediately ran a cold bath, the pain was starting.

Over the next few hours I experienced pain that I hope never to experience again; childbirth through the head of my Willy would have been less painful. My body went into shock as my skin tightened around me forcing me to have a permanent smile much like a celebrity who has overdone the plastic surgery. I also experienced moments of insanity (more than normal), as I was apparently trying to throw myself off our 5th floor balcony to escape the pain. In between fits I was screaming in agony whilst sitting in a bath full of iced water, not nice and things were about to get worse.
The lovely Samantha called down to reception and explained the situation, I was burning and in desperate need of help.

I got out of the bath and lay on some towels naked on the bed; I thought I may as well watch some US TV before descending further on my journey into hell. After a time there was a knock on the door which the lovely Samantha was about to answer.
Due to the tightening of skin I physically couldn’t move, nor could I actually move my mouth to speak properly, I asked her,” Sam cover me up please” before opening the door, which to her sounded like “Am, oven ut am! Am! Over me lease cover Am!
All my screams were to no avail as she opened the door and realized my worst nightmare.

Six firemen entered the bedroom and were greeted by the view of me naked on the bed, lobster coloured and smiling like Liz Taylor on acid, they must have thought it was some kind of weird English sexual prank we were playing.

The lovely Samantha started explaining what had happened whilst I was still naked and appealing to her to cover me up.
“Am! Ur ucks ache over ee ut” translation, “Sam for fucks sake cover me up”

Still nothing and now that the firemen realized we were not perverts the smiles turned to smirks then the smirks turned to outright laughter. To make matters worse my John Thomas had been partially burned and fully frozen in iced water; it’s not the biggest at the best of times but now it looked like the manhood of a 4 hour old baby boy. An acorn resting on 2 salted peanuts should give you an accurate idea of why I so desperately wanted to be covered up.

Finally one of the firemen did the honorable thing and suggested taking a photo, when I started convulsing he did finally give up on the gags and put a towel over me whilst telling the lovely Samantha to pack a bag, it was hospital time. The receptionist had mistaken the call for me burning literally but the firemen offered to take me along to hospital.

After 10 minutes one of the firemen asked what the delay was, the lovely Samantha said she was trying to find her curlers, the fireman then explained to her that he meant for her to pack a bag for me as it was I that was going to hospital. The lovely Samantha’s face dropped slightly but she soon perked up when she discovered she would be allowed to come along to, the thought of missing out on a trip with 6 men in uniform may have made her jump over the balcony.

The journey sadly lasted all of 5 minutes, when asked “Do you have insurance” we responded honestly which was a mistake. Saying we didn’t know was enough for the firemen to turn back round and drop us both back in my room, I don’t know who was the saddest about that.

I spent the rest of the night sat in the hotel swimming pool whilst the lovely Samantha got her head down and no doubt dreamed of getting badly sun burnt. The next two weeks resulted in me sitting in my room watching crap TV whilst the lovely Samantha shopped to her hearts content. We did manage to extend the trip by an extra two weeks and I even managed to come home with a glorious sun tan, that tanning oil really did do the trick.






We did'nt age well after to much sun exposure, we are both 25 in this picture.