Back to Reality

Breaking up is hard to do, Bar Girls, don't you just luv em.

Finally after 40 years and lots of solitary practise I was finally able to make the earth move for a woman, more about my last day with the Thai girlfriend later.

As many of you will have gathered I have left the land of smiles and am back in the town of piles, London. I shouldn’t knock my hometown but honestly within 2 hours of being back I heard more than once that all of Britain’s problems are the fault of the Polish, obviously the current trendy race of people to blame for all of Britain’s failings.

Back to Thailand and it was my last week and no blog entry would be complete without one last new motorbike rule.
Never under any circumstances go out on your motorbike, get ridiculously pissed and then forget where you have parked your bike; not only will it lead you to having to shell out 15 pence on a tuk tuk home it will also mean you will waste 4 hours the following afternoon looking for it.

Motorbike problems were not the only cause for concern that I unnecessarily gave myself. I awoke one day last week covered in ubi’s (unidentifiable beer injuries) and one was so scary it looked as if my liver or kidneys had finally burst.
I was to be informed later by one of my drinking companions that I had tried one fancy dance manoeuvre to many, to use the dance technical term I had gone ‘arse over tit’ off the podium and crushed a rib and other sensitive body parts, what price was a dance podium to mangle me rather than a motorbike accident.
Other than lost motorbikes and bruises my last week was a great success. Marcus and I went out for a slap up dinner at my expense to thank him for the hundreds of favours he had done me during my stay, it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as much fun had he not been around. Steaks and wine were hungrily consumed as a treat to ourselves followed by a night on the tiles ‘Chang Mai’ style, outrageous fun.


This is Marcus, his normal pose was on the stage in Spicy with Vodka ice in hand eyeing up all the ladies in the place.


I also had a smashing last evening in our local with the bargirls who had all taken me under their collective wing.
In all bars such as these in Thailand you will find a bell, which you ring at your peril. If you do you are expected to buy everyone in the place a drink and things can get a little intimidating if you refuse to hold up your end of the deal. Me? I was all too happy to ring the bell all night and buy drinks for the girls who have had me in stitches with their stories and have proved to be the sexiest pool opponents I’ve ever played.
They all seemed genuinely upset that I was leaving and plastered me in kisses for about 20 minutes before I could finally fell out of the place, as one they shouted at me ‘love you long time’, praise indeed.

It’s not just the bar girls who shall miss me and the free drinks, the security man at our apartment seemed even sadder. He had apparently won an award a few years ago for 'Thailand’s alcoholic of the year', though since being bestowed with such an admirable title he had fallen on hard times and was unable to pursue his interest with as much vigour due to the financial burdens, therefore every night I drove home I would stop at the hut at the bottom of our soi and buy him a bottle of beer, I felt it my duty to keep our security man not only awake but happy and an 8 pence bottle of lager did the trick, maybe I was seeing my future and was hoping karma would reward me in years to come.

And so it was time to say goodbye to she who has made my life an even happier place for the time I was here and what a way to say goodbye. As we lay in bed on the final afternoon the bed started shaking, then moving then I realised it wasn’t her messing about but a bone fide earthquake.
I did as any chivalrous man such as I would do in such circumstances, I ran for my life and it was only when I hit the apartment corridor to be greeted by other fearful guests did I realise that I had not only left her behind but worse, I was naked.
Happily she was just behind me and also my nakedness seemed to have a calming influence on the other scared guests as they realised that an earthquake was the least of their worries and that there was a semi turned on nude 40 year old fat bloke running around very near there open doors.

The quake stopped, the heartbeat returned to normal and she who has made my life an even happier place was treated to a night out of the highest opulence (no not Mcdelivery) but a rather expensive Italian meal and even more expensive Italian wine. She has been great fun to be with and a little place of my heart will have a space for her as it has for the other lovely ladies who have bought me joy. We ended things maturely realising there was no future in it for either of us and that was the end of that. Hopefully that will be the last of my nakedness and erection stories for some time, in fact I think its safe to say l be waiting some time before I meet a lady friend who can cope with both.

I flew to Bangkok from Chang Mai to catch my connecting flight to London to get home in time for the cup final. This left me with about 5 spare hours in Bangkok and so I decided to visit Ko San road, the touristy road of Bangkok famous for its sales vendors and bars catering to Farrang.
It was so awful I couldn’t even begin to describe it here but it cheered me up that I hadn’t wasted time in Bangkok and had seen a much cooler part of Thailand in Chang Mai.
At the airport depression kicked in so I did something I hadn’t done in 6 months and read my blog, it cheered me up immensely, I had forgotten some of the amazing times and some of the amazing people i had met along the way, it lifted my spirits immeasurably.

I’m not a great sleeper at the best of times let alone on a 14 hour flight but Marcus once again came through with a plan which worked perfectly. After explaining my dilemma his response was

“No worries son, you’re in Bangkok, nip down the local pharmacy and grab yourself a couple of valiums”

I was willing to give anything a go and 15 pence later I had two valium tablets ready for the flight. Washed down with a decent glass of red I slept 12 hours! It is compulsory in my opinion that airlines provide valium for all long haul flights.

So to London where panic set in almost immediately. I had planned that I would land at Heathrow Saturday morning; get a bus to my mate Steve’s just in time to watch the mighty blues in the cup final.
Having only a fiver in my pocket i had to budget carefully, a £2 bus fare and a short walk to Steve’s left me in good spirits but when his house was locked up I feared the worse. £2.50 was wasted on a stress relieving pint leaving me 50p to track him down.
Finding a phone box that works in London is harder than finding arm bands at Michael Barrymore’s house but eventually I got one and our conversation went something like this

Me "where the hell are you! Its 1pm on cup final day?"

Steve " You twat, I’m at work it's Friday"

So somehow on the journey home I managed to lose a day which was fine by me as Steve and I celebrated by consuming a crate of Guinness.

Saturday was spent catching up with friends and watching us mug Man Utd to lift the cup, i seemed to have a 120 minutes of jetlag during the match but snapped out of it as soon as the final whistle was blown.
Sunday I caught up with me old mucker ‘the Swan’ and got there by travelling on the back on Steve's bike. Now as you know I consider myself some sort of motorcycle wizard these days so when he offered me a lift on the back of his bike I was all to happy to accept. It was when I was trying to haul myself onto it I began to suspect that there are a few differences between the piddley 100 cc I was cruising around on and the 9000 fuck off horsepower bike that Steve drives. Remarkably I appear to have overcome my fear of speed and whilst clinging onto the back of the bike doing approx 350 mph down the m4 I began to enjoy myself.



Something to cheer on my return

Monday was again spent catching up with great mates Faiz Daz and Smallesys.
It was Faiz's idea that I should write a blog and many thanks to him for that as i still enjoy writing it and it was Smallesy who came up with an idea whilst I was away that I very nearly put into practise.
On messenger from New Zealand I was explaining to him that I was approaching skintness and he in his infinite wisdom suggested i set up a website called 'save my holiday.com' The idea being that people send me some of there hard earned wages so that I could continue enjoying myself and extend my holiday, due to my laziness it never got off the ground but a great idea none the less, internet begging is one possible angle to look at for me.

Seeing all my friends lifted my spirits greatly but none more so than last night when i caught up with my little sis who now commutes between London and Dublin and so was able to treat her Bro to a tasty Italian dinner and a couple of jars. I missed her greatly and am already looking forward to abusing her hospitality next week in Dublin.

A friend of mine commented recently that I was the new 'Ray Mears', Spillages world wide booze survival techniques was the way he described reading my blog over the last few months, it was a kind comparison.
Of course I will continue writing a blog though I doubt it will have the same kind incidents, accidents and erection mishaps this blog has conveyed over the last few months. It’s onto new adventures now, no job, 40 years old, skint, does it get more exciting than that?
I have a few more rendezvous’ with friends in London planned for the rest of the week then its off to Ireland for a bit of tlc from the family then back to Spain until I can get a job somewhere on the planet, anywhere but in England preferably but beggars cant be choosers eh.
Finally a few reminders

Perth Spending time with all my beloved Australian family members, watching the 3rd Test, Monty’s debut, in the barmy army, the Gilchrest innings, meeting Michael Vaughn, going to the Perth cup, Christmas day in the soaring heat followed by an Italian feast, playing golf surrounded by Kangaroo’s, wine tasting, camping in the outback….pretty expensive

Melbourne, Superlise! Watching loads of tennis incl Federer v Roddick and the 5 setter between Murray and Nadal, breakfast with the Federer's, Murray, Action Dave and Amanda, Michelle Wie, Chinese poker, playing poker, Rafee, Lilly Allen, Neil Perry's restaurant, England beating Australia.....bloody expensive

Sydney, The apartment view (and price), the hostel, the QE2, surf babes, the 12 apostles, Manly beach, The Olympic stadium, the bridge and opera house, the Rugby league match, penguins….. Even more bloomin expensive

New Zealand, Kohukohu Hugh Hera and Artie, Mussel fishing, Milford sound, lunging, the scenery, St Patrick’s day, getting high in the mountains with Maoris, Sarah Ady and Daniel, Auntie Maura and the day trip to Waikiki Island, ....pricey

Thailand, Offers of midget sex, erection troubles with masseuses, smog, temples, Chang Mai, motor biking, trekking, bamboo huts, Marcus, Spicy nightclub, Sonkran, 24, chang beer, Geoff, Mcdelivery, more Temples, Monsoons, Earthquakes, Hippos and of the course she who made my time here an even happier place....cheap as chips

The last 6 months of my life........Priceless



click on this, it may make you chuckle, espicially the roof bit.