Addiction Problems Again

a Sixer, so far 5 is my record

Apologies to those of you who rely on the weekly update to give you a better view of how I am wasting my life away but I was bust err, wasting my life away, Marcus is of course to blame.
Anyone who knows me even half well knows I have an addictive personality and so when Marcus suggested a little ‘hit’ of something good I should have trusted my first instinct and said no; I didn’t.
What happened in the last 7 days of my life I will explain honestly but please don’t judge me harshly, like I said it was Marcus’s fault, he suggested I rent a box set of a hit TV show called ‘24’, I did (as I have purchased a DVD player for a tenner) and its more addictive than crack. Luckily i got him hooked on the Soprano's. God bless my Mum who sent me an email saying ‘your blog has not been updated, you must be at the temple!’

In your room you can order pizza, KFC and beer, also Thai TV covers all English footy and the cricket, no need to go out then.




Please Jack, I want my life back!

Last blog entry I explained that we were in Pai for ‘Sonkran’ and that I was sat in an internet café looking like someone whose colostomy bag had malfunctioned.

Sonkran is the Thai New Year but really an excuse to throw water over anyone within your throwing radius and I explained I had been soaked a few times in the process; well I should have waited because after that entry Sonkran began in earnest and no one was safe. Everyone got covered in water from the moment they left their room to the moment they went back to it, though throwing was meant to stop after dark you would find the odd sniper nip out of his/her hiding place to douse you.

On the Friday I joined the fray, purchasing a bucket and a pair of swimming goggles (which broke) and finally joined forces with a gang of about 10 Thai’s who had taken up a place on a corner facing three roads. It wasn’t their position that enticed me in though, it was the fact they had 3 oil drums full of water and that they had spiced by adding large chunks of ice to each. The looks on peoples faces when you covered them in ice cold water was addictive, I really got into it and spent a happy few hours high fiving my fellow terrorists every time we soaked an unsuspecting farrang.

I also saw my fist ‘5’ on a bike. Yep 5 human beings on a moped not one wearing a helmet and reaching a top speed of at least 30, quality stuff.
We also ventured to another waterfall on the big day itself and the journey there was one of the longest of my life, every single person we passed on the way there and back soak us from head to toe. At one point things looked a little dodgy when a group of about 20 lads forced us to stop, took our bike keys and started putting red paint on us but it all passed off smoothly.


It was not just Sonkran that made Pai special but also the accommodation; I now know when things really go tits up for me I can live happily in an incredibly flammable bamboo hut for a pound a day. Also in Pai we found an amazing bar, the ‘Ting Tong’ bar which was about as chilled a bar as you will ever see. We saw the worst pool table ever and had a game on it. The cues had no tips, some on the balls where only 60% of their original size but the funniest thing was every time you moved around the table the balls moved as the table was on a bamboo floor, so if your crafty opponent left one of his balls over a pocket by the time you had walked the long way round to use the chalk (on the tipless cue) his ball was now in the middle of the table, ha-ha, he still won of course.

We both learned a very valuable lesson in Pai and it was explained to us by an English bar owner, ‘whatever you do’ he said ‘do not drink Chang beer’. After further research to validate his claims it turns out he was right. Chang sponsor Everton but are not even allowed to sell Chang in the UK, why? because it is full of shit.
The chemical they use in the brewing process is formldahyde, the stuff you embalm corpses with, so as you drink it you are slowly pickling yourself and I think I’ve done quite enough of that already in my time.

Drink this at your peril

The journey here was hellish for me so perhaps Marcus took pity on me and agreed we should fly back, instead of 4 hours of hell, 20 minutes in a 12 seater plane with me sitting behind the pilot and keeping a beady on the parachutes in case. The journey was smooth and gave us a unique perspective of the area and in particular the mountains.

So we were back in Chang Mai, had done a weeks detoxing and ready to rumble except we couldn’t as the following day we went to Burma to get our visas renewed. This involved getting up at 7am (I know!) catching a bus to Chang Rai, then a bus then walk over the border, pay various officials something suspiciously like a backhander, then back to Thailand, quick stop for a massage then back on the bus and back to Chang Mai for about 8pm. A long but fulfilling day and then it was time for the party to start again.

When I got back to Chang Mai the first thing I did was to rent a 125cc automatic and how I love it. I normally hate people driving dangerously but as I was approaching 80 with no helmet and after having partaken in a few ales I thought nothing off it. Having the bike opens up whole new places to go, except of course I then discovered 24 and have not been anywhere. I have progressed from a novice a week ago asking Marcus ‘Where’s the reverse on this?’ to now being able to cart around passengers. You have to be a little careful though as there are no rules on the road, no lanes, everyone ignores the lights, tuk tuk drivers are on a bonus for every cyclist they murder and people crossing the road take their lives in their hands, crossing the road here is akin to the video game frogger.
I got arrested along with about 300 other motorists on Monday and had to pay the 3 pound fine for not wearing a helmet, a small price to pay methinks.


I have been carting around passengers as I have been on a number of ‘dates’ recently. I knew I was on a date last week because I took an attractive lady out for dinner, paid for by me, as where the cocktails afterwards and I didn’t even get a poxy kiss on the cheek.
After a few wise words from my coach Marcus I was back in the saddle and date no.2 went much better, I managed to get her to pay for a drink.
Date number 3 was more of a friend thing; well it was until she came onto me. Please believe me when I say I did the honorable thing and took her home, safely, and did not go in for coffee.
Date 4 was and is far more promising until we came to order starters and she admitted to having a boyfriend.
Date 5 is tomorrow night and I’m hopeful I may get a snog though the price on that keeps drifting.
I have also discovered something about myself that I didn’t realize before; I have a penchant for ladies with tattoos and Thai Women love a tattoo which is fine by me.

I have no fixed date on which I’m returning though it will be soon, I’m hanging on by my fingernails to be away for 6 months which will be a week on Saturday. Of course I may well stay until the mighty blues have completed their attempt at a record smashing quadruple and oh my they are getting close. It would be some place to be as most Thai’s are Liverpool fans followed by Man U fans. I am purchasing a brand spanking new knock off Chelsea top tomorrow for about a fiver and will winding up as many as I can over the next few days, now that I have done 4 seasons of 24 in about 5 days I will attempt to keep you posted.


Go On Son!