You velly handsome Mr. Paul

'one night in Bangkok'


I would like to have 1 penny for every erection there has been in Bangkok in the last twenty years, I would also like to wager all that money that none was more unwanted than the one I got last Saturday.
I arrived in Bangkok last Thursday night and within two hours of landing I was eating my dinner by the roadside talking to two midgets, as you do. They approached me and got talking and within 5 minutes they offered to have sex with me; I assume I would have had to pay but I politely refused explaining I was very tired from the journey but if I ever got an urge for a midget orgy they would be top of my list. Bangkok is that sort of place.




No thanks Ladies (it was'nt these two but u get the idea)

Friday I was up early and ventured out on my own around town doing all the touristy stuff, shopping malls, temples, tuk tuk's and boat journeys. All my food was purchased roadside and even with the heavy humidity and pollution it still tasted wonderful.
In the evening I went for a wander in the more, how shall we say, 'gentleman’s area', where I surprised to find women grabbing me by the arm and wanting to have sex with me, id never been so popular. I did have a wander into one of the go-go bars but was bored within 7 hours, nah actually it was 30 minutes but in that time I got talking to a Japanese professor who seemed very knowledgeable about the sex industry in Thailand and he invited me to join him and his cronies on a tour of the wild side but I sensibly ventured for the down under sports bar which was to become my home, more than the hotel I was staying in.

Saturday I went for a wander and thought id indulge in a massage, Thai style. Two hours costs seven quid, a bargin in my book so I took off my clothes, entered the uniform of shorts and tee-shirt provided and waited for my masseuse; sadly she wasn’t the Lucy Lui look-alike I had been hoping for, more a Thai Pat Butcher.
Although a very big women and no oil painting she had the most wonderful manner, laughing her head off from the moment she jumped onto the bed and started massaging my legs. I say massaging but that’s an exaggeration, she was grinding my bones to dust and had I not screamed I may have been minus one left leg.
From the leg she moved to the feet and that’s when it happened. Maybe it was the heat, maybe the thousands of gorgeous women I had seen in the streets earlier, I think more likely it was a build up of pent up energy’s that were awakened by some massaging of the foot, whatever it was I felt the old familiar twitch followed by a slow rising of my little friend who wanted to take a peek at what was going on. Having reached my 40th this year I was happy to 'be unhand cuffed' from the lunatic that is my libido. I was enjoying penile control, the peacefulness of not constantly having to worry about when he would show up so Christ knows what possessed him to show up at this time.

I really so wish I had a camera because Pat Butchers face was a picture when she saw it. After the shock she absolutely pissed herself, she shouted out something in Thai which resulted in all the other masseuses coming in to take a gander at the bloke who got a stiffy with her, I’d imagine the 1st man to do so for many a year. My blushes excuses apologies and tears did nothing to stop the laughter and the next hour and half where the longest 90 minutes of my life. When leaving the whole shop came out to say goodbye and even 1 or 2 customers, they were even shouting things as I walked down the street, I’m glad id made someone’s day.

Rejuvenated and well away from the scene of the crime I followed on from the day before with more sightseeing. The only disappointment I experienced in Bangkok was the beggars, they were incredibly sad and destitute, I suppose that’s life and there but for the grace of God etc.
I have also discovered I’m absolutely shite at bartering, I just crack too easily. Some of the merchants even wanted to start the whole bidding thing again I was so bad, just to give me a second crack at them which often ended in me paying more than the original price quoted.


Dinner, lunch and Brekkie

Saturday evening’s meal was served to be by the most exquisite and sassy women it has been my pleasure to be served by, she oozed sex appeal. She asked me my name and was constantly bringing me a beer even if I hadn’t requested one. Between serving customers she would come to my table and stretch out, resting her head on her arm in a very feline manner. I gazed at her in awe and then she remarked 'you velly handsome Mr. Paul'. Now I’ve been around long enough that I have a face only a Mother could love and I’m not exactly at my fighting weight these days, it could mean only one thing, I was a mug and her target. It's a sad fact of life that everything has a price and had I not rushed off to the sports bar to watch the Australia S.A. game I might have wanted to find out what that price was.

Sunday was my last day and was spent mostly in a sports bar watching the Spanish GP, football highlights and the cricket, not very cultural but fuck it, I needed a sports day.
Monday I got a train to Chang Mai in northern Thailand and what a journey that was. Fourteen hours on a train can seem like a long time but not if you get a bottle of vodka and sit with a load of students. At the station I decided to have one last splurge after a few months of hostels, smelly people and noisy nights I decided to book into the Novotel at the princely cost of 18 quid a night and it was like heaven on earth. Mini Bar, 30 TV channels, room service, hot water, toiletries, air con, telephone, I have stayed in a 7 star hotel but it was nothing in comparative luxury to this.




I choose to come to Chang Mai to get out of Bangkok and also a mate of mine from Stan James has been here for a while and it was great to catch up with Marcus. He was the right back in our cup winning side and a top bloke to boot.
On my first night here he took me to the greatest nightclub ever, a club that would have exceeded all of any normal mans dreams. 3-1 women, vodka ice about a quid a bottle, sport on a massive screen and pumping dance music that had everyone in the joint rocking. Sadly no Mrs. Spillane on the horizon but it’s a numbers game.

The next night went to another bouncing club and met two lovely ladies, Jane and Emma from Manchester. The 3 of us danced away and were joined for a little while by a very tall lady with very big hands who seemed to like Emma out of the 3 of us I’m pleased to say.

Today I moved out of the luxury and into a hotel that costs 3 quid per night. I also went out shopping for a few things, I’m getting Thai phone card, renting a motorbike and investigating the chances of getting a job.
Marcus has introduced me to a few of his friends and they have all said the same thing, I must go to the mountains and stay in the temple for a few days. It involves getting up at 6 am for brekkie, meditating till 12 when u have lunch (and then no more food till brekkie). Talking is a no no as is TV, radio, reading etc. It may be the greatest windup of all time but I’m gonna give it a go, everyone has said 3 days is probably the minimum, though I cant go next week as the Masters starts on Thursday.
Other activities I have penciled in are Thai cookery school for a couple of days, trying yoga, maybe try the odd workshop that are held by western hippies who live here and are all about 'finding yourself'; though I think I found myself along time ago I’ll give it a spin. If I find one that prevents unwanted erections in the company of a massive Thai Masseuse sign me up.


The Temple of doom?