Life Of Pai

Total

and utter

Carnage

On my travels I have been very fortunate to experience many things but one of the highlights has been to now experience 3 New Year’s eves.

First there was the traditional 31/12/06 (Perth) then the Chinese one (Sydney) and now for my third I am in Pai Thailand and I can say without fear of contradiction, this is the maddest one yet.

Last week was pretty much a continuation of the week before with a couple of notable exceptions; beer, buckets, bubbles and Spicy (yep, I spelt it wrong in the last entry).
The first exception was that in Friday night in Bubbles I think I pulled, yep, the old Spillanester magic was back to the fore.

I say I think I pulled because I haven’t actually seen her since but that’s been due to a set of unfortunate circumstances, me leaving Chang Mai for a while followed by her leaving for a few days but the texts are flying and all seems hopeful for me falling, in classic stereotypical fashion, for a Thai minxtress.

How I pulled is a miracle considering the way I went about things. After a couple of ice breakers she eventually cracked and agreed to dance with me. As you may remember Bubbles staple diet of music is trance/house so when a slightly inebriated Spillanester hit the floor I was under pressure to put in all my best moves and boy did it all come flooding back. Imagine a fatter version of Bez from the Happy Mondays with about 10 cocktails down him and you will get a pretty good picture of how I was grooving; miracously she seemed to love it and complimented me on my moves.

imagine a fatter version less the maracas

All was going swimmingly until I fell into what Marcus calls the ‘Bubbles Black hole’. Holding a long island ice tea I withdrew from the dance floor backwards trying to look as cool as possible but stumbled upon the edge of the dance floor which has a slight step to the bar level; I went down in stages like a overfed heavy weight boxer whose taken one blow to many.

I remember going down and putting my hand out to try and grab Marcus who was blissfully unaware of my fall. Next step was to pour half my drink over me concluding with me landing on my back, drink half empty with one leg in the air.

I was able to regain my composure and bounced up immediately, it had all happened in about 2 seconds but there was no recovery from the stunned looks from the punters and more worryingly my new girl who must have been appalled and the sight of what looked like a man hippo crashing over a fence at Cheltenham.

No amount of shrugging and self deprecating laughter on my part could disguise the fact that I looked like a right wazzock. Still I don’t know how but I managed to save the day and we have a ‘date’ set for next week.

On Saturday evening a few of us hetro’s joined Timba, a gay chap, to one of his favorite nightclubs in Chang Mai. Upon arrival he informed us it wasn’t actually totally gay and that anyone on the right hand side of the club was considered straight, Andy (a top chap from Alaska) and I didn’t move from the right hand side of the club all night.

I actually was into the tunes and joined a foxy looking lady on a podium to show her a few of my moves, how I didn’t fall and break something is incredible. After about an hour of dancing we got down, she leant over and told me she loved me, honestly.

I replied as any man would do by planting a kiss on her sweat ridden brow. I asked her if she wanted a drink and she replied ‘I love you’. It turns out this was the extent of her English, some Farrang with a cruel sense of humor must have told her this was all the English she needed to learn and though to an extent he was right I just couldn’t bring myself to spend an evening with a girl telling me she loved me after I had asked her what her favorite song/book/movie was.

Sunday was the last night we would see Andy so an all out assault was called for and the Holy Trinity of buckets bubbles and spicy’s was completed. I was in such a mess on Monday that I couldn’t join Marcus on the minibus to Pai and so differed my trip to Tuesday.

On Tuesday morning I caught the minibus to Pai looking forward to a 4 hour journey taking the sights of Northern Thailand, instead I sat rigid in fear for my life as the driver attempted to set a new destination record, it was the journey from hell. I remember texting Marcus saying that if I got out of this alive I would get out and punch the driver in the face, though by the time I arrived I was so fear stricken I couldn’t even lift my arms.

Marcus somehow keeps turning over Aces, he has yet to let me down and when he said ‘mate in 20 minutes you will have forgotten all about it' he was proved right again.

Normally one would assume I was to forget it because he had set up a massage or a nicely chilled beer, instead he led me to my room across a bridge that even Indiana Jones would have thought twice about crossing.

Once we had negioated the trapezeing bamboo bridge I rented what is the most luxurious room I have stayed in on this trip (and at the budget busting 1 pound 20 p per night). It was a bamboo hut on stilts with a mattress, fan and mosquito net, nout else and yet from the moment I entered it I knew I had found nirvana.

home sweet home

It is here that I should mention Songkran, the festival that is the Thai New Year. Other countries celebrate by drinking or dancing in national costume, Thai’s celebrate by covering you in water.

It’s hard to describe but imagine every time you walk past a shop, hotel, bar or house, the inhabitants come out with a bucket of water and douse you in cold water dispatched from a bucket hose or water pistol. One of the reasons we left Chang Mai was not only to recuperate from the partying but also to escape the madness.

Marcus actually met someone later that day that had left Chang Mai and his words were

“mate, it was worse than Sarajevo; it’s a fucking war zone down there”.

You simply cannot escape it wherever you go, no matter what you are wearing or whatever mood you are in and of course I love it.

It started Monday, reaches a climax tomorrow and ends possibly on next Monday.

Sensibly with all this going on we thought it a good idea to rent motorbikes and considering I haven’t driven a motorbike in 25 years (and still have scars to prove it) some may have questioned our sanity. After a 3 minute lesson from Marcus I was off to the races and even though I was wobbly, wearing glasses and was constantly being covered I water, I think I coped admirably.

Our first port of call was the swimming pool which put me in full relaxation mood, sipping ice cold drinks, surrounded by beautiful Farrang women and idling on rubber rings in the pool is my idea of fun and the afternoon flew by.

After getting soaked on the way back I managed a nap and went for dinner in a pizzeria at a place described by the lonely planet guide as ‘the best in Thailand’, they weren’t far off the mark.

Next were a few beers in ‘Sashisa’ that had a chalk board honouring those who could down in one between 5 and 15 shots; there were no shortage of students attempting to get their name in chalk but surprisingly both Marcus and I refrained from that.

Next up was Bebop bar with a live band every bit as good as any 3 piece amateurs I have seen in London, knocking out all the old faves from the chilli peppers, the police, the killers, foo fighters etc.
Finally it was off to the Bamboo bar which was closed so up to Fubar where not only did they have the worst pool table we had both ever seen but more excitingly they had a TV which showed the Chelsea game.

At half time things were not looking good, more so when about 5 Thai’s joined me and like the rest of Thailand, were all Liverpool fans.

There were 2 or 3 Man U fans who were going ballistic because they couldn’t find out the score in there game, being the kind natured soul I am I texted me old mucker The Swan for the score. When his text back said 4-0 Utd at half time I wasn’t sure to tell them fearing my mate was pulling a bluff on me but whilst thinking one of them had peered over my shoulder and whooped with delight, I though felt a growing sense of unease as he kept texting, 5-0, 6-0, 6-1, 7-1.

I knew now if he was bluffing I was done for but true to form he didn’t let me down.

Back to the Blues and the equalizer saw me jump and kick over my bottle (by mistake obviously) and cheer loudly, much to the chagrin of the Liverpool fans around me. They then threatened to throw me in the pool adjoining the club if we scored again but I smartly negated this by promising to buy them all drinks if we did and when Essien scored the winner they nearly celebrated as wildly as I did.

My swaying on the way home seemed to work over the bamboo bridge and I went to bed a happy camper having experienced one of those days one will never forget.

you beauty!

Yesterday was spent getting covered in water from drunken Thai’s and their children followed at nighttime by a long bike ride in total darkness to a waterfall we had heard about but never found.

I must admit even though my top speed was somewhere in the 60’s I looked at Marcus ahead and thought of Nicholson and Fonda in easy rider, get in yeahhhhh.

I followed up by having dinner in another lonely planet recommended restaurant, ‘chez swan’ where I enjoyed the joyous Thai cuisine of pie and mash.

I was kept company by the 6 year old daughter of the Thai couple who ran the place and we played Jenga for about and hour and a half; she was hilarious, speaking better English than most of my mates and sharing the same sarcastic sense of humor of most Thai’s that I have met. A couple of shandies more and it was off to bed in my palace where I had the best kip I have had in my times of traveling.

Today is another waterfall run and another soaking, the madness is hotting up nicely; in fact as I type this I am constantly being sprayed by water pistols from the runts across the road though it does cool me down I guess. Tomorrow is 2550 in the Thai calendar making me 584 years of age, on Monday morning after Andy’s leaving do I felt every single one of those chuffing days I promise you.