The Hardest Day Of My Life

My new inspiration.


Another tough week on the settee watching telly, playing ps2 and propping up various bars, life is good.
Sadly I didn’t win the 100 pound comp at the Gibraltar casino but congrats to blog reader Kevin who did the business and won the loot. I played for 10 minutes in the cash game sitting down with 60 quid and deciding to play like everyone else in the game, like an idiot, which happily proved to be a successful strategy and paid for various expenses incurred during the week.
Still cant beat VJ at golf on the tiger woods 2007 but managed to beat Scott and DiMarco ably assisted by Felicia Brown, my chosen partner partly due to her excellent chipping but mostly due to the fact she makes me go all woozy in the trouser department, how wrong is that, a cartoon character is now the focus of my attentions, I think I need professional help.

I did a bad thing last week, something I’m not proud off but I thought it was the better than the other option I had. I had gone on a second date as I mentioned previously and also mentioned there would be no date 3. The problem was I got pissed on date 2 and agreed to date 3 because alcohol (and Felicia) makes Paul horny. Waking up the next day I was in a world of pain, what to do? I did the honourable thing by phoning her and cancelling date 3 with a lie but agreed to re-arrange due to the great big yellow streak that runs down the middle of me. It is far harder to tell a girl you would rather stay in and eat your own toes than go on a third date with her so I took the simpler option and turned my phone off for 2 days, the day before and off the said date. I know it’s not the best but surely a better option than the truth methinks. I know my Mother and Sister will be reading this so rest assured I will get flack for being such a wimp.

I think I have discovered the key ingredient to happiness in retirement, box sets. My best friend James spoiled me rotten by lending me the complete first three series of peepshow and then the first two series of curb your enthusiasm. I had the most satisfactory weekend watching them and as they say laughter really is the cure to all life’s aliments. The best line from peepshow was uttered by Mark when describing a girl he had met in a shoe shop who he instantly fell for, he described her as the perfect girlfriend material, ´she doesn’t realise how pretty she is and has incredibly low self esteem, perfect´.
Larry David’s finest moment so for me was the time he went to Starbucks and they serve him a vanilla cappuccino latte. He feigns surprise and says ´who would have thought? What is this again? Coffee and milk? Wow amazing, you put coffee and milk together? Whatever next?´ Maybe you need to watch it to get the full effect. I’m meeting him tonight to borrow series 3, 4 and 5, happy days.

Still haven’t been able to book my ´travelling ticket´ due in part to never getting out of bed in time and also because I struggle with the phone over here. As mentioned PF kindly allowed me to use Stan James office to use the phone and internet which I happily did last week and I was tickled pink when one of my ex colleagues Padma approached me and asked me when I was leaving. The fact I hadn’t been in the office for a month didn’t enter her mind as unusual obliviously. Though no one approached me and asked me what I was doing in there PF said he got umpteen messages informing him of my presence, I wish he would have feigned horror and surprise just to see people’s reactions. The good news is the ticket is cheaper than I thought; the bad news is I need to sort it out this week or have to wait until the middle of January to go as the seasonal price hike kicks in.

Whilst I was in the office one of mates who dabbles in an assortment of dubious practises offered me the opportunity to buy some Viagra tablets and incredibly optimistically I bought a few. I have of course tried Viagra before, the most amusing time was the first time I tried it.

It was at least 8 years ago and somehow I happened to being going out with a quite simply stunning women. It was a case of me being Brentford and her being Man Utd so I knew it wouldn’t last but to use a football parlance I was determined to ´go out and enjoy it´. We had slept together a few times and even though I did my best I guessed it probably wasn’t the dynamite experience she was hoping for. By chance a mate who I was living with happened to get the opportunity to purchase Viagra at ten quid a pop and asked me was I interested. Ten quid seemed pricey (ecstasy was only five quid a go) but I decided to go for it and a couple of days later sitting in the middle of our kitchen table was a shiny blue pill with 100ml imprinted on it. I should explain that a 100 ml is the strongest dose you could get and apparently would give a corpse a hard on so there was no question of it not working.
We had agreed that I would be going around to hers for dinner that night and so 30 minutes before I left and with my two flatmates watching me in wonderment I swallowed the pill and waited for the results. My colour vision became slightly altered after a time so I knew it had hit the bloodstream and I drove to hers full of optimism that I was about to give her the night of her life.
We enjoyed dinner, a bottle of wine and after the washing up things began hotting up. I sealed the deal after about 20 minutes and as we lay there having a post romp ciggie I began grinning like a Cheshire cat. She of course had no idea off what I was smiling at and we waited for round two which normally would be expected to occur after a 30 minute ´rest period´. Round two came and went and I was gutted that nothing else happened. I lay there waiting for the magic potion to work but nothing, nada, zilch. I was gutted but luckily I hadn’t told her what I had done as she would have been more disappointed than normal.
The next morning I awoke with what can only be described as the most savage raging hard on I have ever experienced. It was bordering on painful and I did the honourable thing by pointing it into her back and begging for sex. ´No can do´ was her disappointing reply, she was running late and even though I begged, cried and offered her money she wouldn’t budge. The only option I had left she kindly suggested was go and sort myself out in the shower which I gratefully did. Of course you can probably guess the rest. Driving home I soon realised there were now two gear sticks. Luckily no one was in and so I rushed indoors and enjoyed personnel satisfaction for the second time and so it went on for the whole fucking day. Slamming it in doors didn’t help nor a cold shower. I ended up setting personnel best (a record that had proudly stood since I was 17) and a left hand the size of a baseball glove. To steal a line from Frank Skinner I literally had no fluid left in me and in the end I was only firing salt.

Another good week for referee’s on the footy front and me old mucker Andy Gray wasted no time in condemning the ref in the Spurs game on Sunday altogether unnecessarily so of course. Watched a rather entertaining derby match last night when me old muckers from Stan’s had the A team v B team fixture with a 5-1 victory for the A side. So far I’m the only Stan’s manager to have won silverware (we nearly did the double but our last league fixture had to be abandoned due to fighting costing us a chance of the league), ´though I hope that record is broken this season. Our top footballing trader Eddie is in the hot seat and the chaps are 4 n zip. I will be away for the remainder of the season I think but I shall be emailing for results and hope to open the Australian branch of the SJ football supporters club.

Of course all plans for the future go on hold Sunday afternoon when the two most unpopular teams in Britain fight it out for supremacy at Old Trafford and I expect my beloved blues to sneak a point at least. Of course it will mean 90 minutes of Andy Gray but hopefully not even he will be able to ruin a game which most footy supporters will watch and will be motivated to cheer on one team because they despise the other one more.
Finally my spurs friend Neil informs me Spurs club shop are now selling the cd of their victory over us at 5.99, hopefully they will never get enough victories over us to make a box set.