Put a fork in me, im done

Please Mr Trophy, come to the bridge this year, you will be most welcome.


First up another Bo Selecta catch phrase that came into folklore after the weekend Barca trip. Im not sure of the exact scene but it appeared a bloke was trying to describe to his mate what he would like to do to the pretty women they were looking at. His expression was' Phoar look at that, id leave her looking like a builders radio'....ha-ha quality, that's to Scott for that one.

What a long and fulfilling day I had yesterday, I have much to tell but surely none so amazing as a story I heard from one of my mates in the pub last night (after I had been knocked out of the poker tournament, more on that in a bit).

We were discussing masturbation, as is usual when there's a group of semi pissed up blokes in a bar after watching the footy. My mate (whom shall remain nameless) told me something absolutely fascinating. He explained that the first time he lost his virginity was the first time he had ever climaxed! Imagine that, how mind-blowing what that be? I think if it would have happened to me i would have married the girl on the spot. You hear some wonderful stories in the pub.

Before leaving work I enjoyed, along with everyone at Stan James, the West Indies putting the Aussies to the sword in the ICC cricket one dayer. The only thing more fulfilling that watching Scotland get beat at anything is watching Australia get beat at anything, especially cricket. As each of the Aussie wickets tumbled the roar in the office got louder, it turned out we had taken a rather chunky bet on Australia at 2-7 which added to the delight of watching them fail. If only England could tear up the form book and beat them on Saturday everything would be super duper.

I did venture to the Gibraltar casino for the £100 freeze out but I might as well have not bothered. Even with 5000 starting chips you need to win a few 50-50's and have the odd hand stand up. I got finished off by the rather attractive looking Dutch lady on my right. She limped, I raised with A-Q and she called. Flop was 3 clubs J 10 3. She checked first and I thought with the Ace of clubs in my hand that I had so many outs I would check behind her. The turn produced the 5 of clubs and a mini betting war. The 10 on the river saw the remaining shrapnel go in and her pair of 5's had housed up to send me to the rail. Kudos the pesky Swede Tomas who in his last ever competition up at the casino took home the 2.5k prize, well done Tomas.

Though slightly pissed off at being knocked out it did enable me to enjoy the Blues tonk Barcelona in the champion’s league. My Shevchenko prediction proved unfounded but luckily we have one of the hottest strikers in Europe currently partnering him and Drogba's wonder goal was enough. It appeared to be quite a good atmosphere on telly but a good mate of mine went and said it was pretty much the same as normal. Loads of women, tourists and city types all watching their blackberry's more than the football. Im not bothered that we are no longer the club I first started watching 29 years ago, in fact pretty tourists are much less aggressive than the morons I used to have to stand next to in the shed all those years ago.

More work news and I am both very sad and very delighted to announce the end of my tenure at the helm of Stanspoker at the end of this month. I resigned yesterday and intend to put my feet up for a few months. Firstly there are the Ashes; no cricket fan in his right mind would want to miss that. Then a trip to Alicante with various delinquents, then there's a trip to Morocco for a golfing jolly up, then a trip to London and Christmas in Ireland. Once I have got through all these I guess I will be skint and it will be time to look for a new job but im in no rush. One of the advantages of singledom is one is free to do pretty much as one chooses and im hoping for a couple of relaxing months perfecting my golf swing and play station skills before rejoining the ranks of the mass employed. Of course if something suitable comes up before Xmas I may have to take it but there's not many jobs that will tempt me off the sofa whilst the ashes takes place.

Tonight the party kicks on, my old mucker Vinny is in the Stan James darts final and is currently a 1-12 shot. Having said that the office bookie is one Paul Garden, the Jade Goody of Stans so there should be plenty of ricks for us all to enjoy. Also I need to organise tickets to the Volvo masters at Valderrama next week, its no wonder im leaving, work is getting in the way of my social life.