´Ten men went to´....oh fuck off

Surely their joking?

Well it’s finally come to this, sitting in a Spanish internet cafe writing my thoughts to people who probably hate me whilst im sipping coffee and brandy and wondering where it all went wrong.

Of course im joking, apart from the coffee and brandy and Spanish internet cafe part. Im actually trying to book a trip abroad but when you don’t know Spanish its very hard to copy and paste plus spell-check, well your fucked is my conclusion.

I bumped into a good friend of mine in here, Kenny, who was happily playing poker heads up on VC´s until i came in. Naturally he asked my opinion and after he lost his money listening to me he eventually told me to fuck off and now he’s shouting at me about how much he’s winning!

I mentioned last week that i had many options and going to Alicante or Lisbon where two of them. I spoke to me mate Murray who told me Alicante was a washout and that he was glad i didn’t waste my money but then i just spoke to Kenny who informed me Lisbon was a blast ( he went with two other top chaps, Vinny and CD) and that i missed a great time, gutted. Life’s to short to miss good times and i knew i should have gone but an empty settee and a burnt out liver just wouldn’t allow me. Still im off to Morocco in the morning for a 2 day golf trip with some of my ex muckers at Stans. Last time i went i ended the first night in the swimming pool with the golf compiler Greg after the two of us attempted a spot of ´come dancing on the swimming pool steps, should be fun.

Kenny’s not the first to ask me why i don’t try and make an income sitting in cyberspace playing poker but the truth is, as i told him, i just don’t love the game enough to do it for a living. Well that and the fact i don’t need to play coz i got enough money at the money and to win at poker one key component is being hungry. If you don’t have the desire to win you may as well not bother and i fit firmly into that bracket. I actually played last night in Billy’s and decided to play my A game, obviously not enough of an A game to stop me doing my doe but I was happy enough. At least i know if im ever really stuck there’s not only fish in the sea.

Well what to write? All I have done for the past few days is get pissed and watch TV so you would imagine i haven’t got much to say but that’s not at all the case. I have got loads to say and write about and in the spirit of this blog I will be as honest as possible. First off if you own or rent a DVD player do yourself a favour and rent the movie ´Thank you for Smoking´. Without doubt the best film i have seen in two years (reruns don’t count otherwise ´The Big Lebowski´would be top of the list.)

Next, if you know me, live in this area and need a lift to Malaga airport, rent a car for two days and give me a call, I might as well do something constructive other than watching telly and wanking myself into oblivion.

Next, if my wanking joke hasn’t put you off I need to rent my flat out for at least 3 months whilst I search the globe trying to overcome my midlife crisis. (Midlife? Not even I could be that lucky). I may have a potential renter but if he doesn’t bite I will need other options, once again if you live in this area and are interested let me know.

Friday night was the official Paul Spillane leaving do and what a good night it was. Pretty much all the people I have come to love and respect showed at some stage and I acted as most would expect. Drinking Stella from 8pm is really not the best idea if you have a long night planned but somehow i managed to remain reasonably compos mentis and even managed at the end of the night to meet a nice young lady and get a crafty snog in. My biggest concern the next day when i woke up was to remember what the young lady in question looked like. I texted the dragon who was in the vicinity when I miraculously pulled and he gave her an encouraging 6/10. That was enough for me to take the plunge and phone her to make an appointment for a drink after i return from Morocco; I will report how I get on.

Its been quite a surprise to me that recently i seem to be back in form with the ladies. I can’t pinpoint when it started but visits to Ireland Barcelona and the local pubs have all ended in snogs, rumblings and phone numbers, long may it continue. Of course none of them have been stupid enough to go any further than a second date but its a numbers game and if i continue in this form i may well make a third date sometime in the next 6 months.

What a weekend of sporting action it was and being safely cocooned on my settee for most of it i enjoyed a veritable feast of action and punting heartache. First off full credit to both teams in the Wallabies v Taffey´s rugby union game. A 58 point thriller and im now firmly in the Wales for the World Cup campaign. Next up was a rerun of GB´s stunning victory against the Aussies in Rugby League, beating Australia at anything is, as regular readers will know, one of my little pleasures in life and victory was celebrated by cracking open a decent bottle of Rioja.

Next up was the West Ham Arsenal cracker. Im a big fan of Arsenal, they simply play great football and im envious as a Chelsea fan that we don’t play such an entertaining style of footy. I know Mourinho can be a knob but as far as i can recall he hasn’t yet offered an opposing manager outside as Wenger did after West Ham scored. I of course loved it, if you’ve read previous dispatches you will have noted how i want my punting selections to go mental if they don’t win. I didn’t actually back Arsenal but full credit to Arsene for not just shaking hands and saying well done.

Next up was the big one Spurs v Blues and of course our 16 year unbeaten record. What a game, after the Barcelona match hopefully now anyone who thinks we are boring side will stuff themselves on humble pie. There’s so much to write about the game but I will try and keep it short and sweet. ´
It started badly for me when the commentating team was as expected the marvellous Martin Tyler and the moron that is Andy Gray. Still even Gray couldn’t put a dampener on as exciting a first half as the premiership has hosted this season.
Of course I have questions though. Poll or for that matter any referee, why oh why oh why are they not miked up so we can here them. Sky sports should fuck off the ridiculous fanzone ( two meathead fans attempting to be commentators) and just have a live feed of what the ref is saying, how good would that be.

´Terry you’re getting sent off for being a cunt´ that would make a lot more sense to me than the reason he actually got sent off for. ´Drogba, im disallowing that goal coz you’re a diving stitch up merchant who happens to be in a great bit of form and I want to piss on your parade´. Again, makes a lot more sense to me than the actual recorded version of why he disallowed the goal.

Next up a repeat of the idea i read about some time ago and is without doubt the greatest idea i have heard in how to improve the game. If a player is fouled and needs to receive treatment he must leave the field and wait until the referee signals him to come back on. Surely the offending player must go off with him. How can it make sense that your centre half gets fucked in a reckless challenge by a forward who is then allowed to stay on the pitch ( even if he’s booked) whilst the bloke who is meant to mark him is waving like a clubber on acid trying to get back on?

Honestly this is not sour grapes, we get more decisions in our favour now that we are a star filled team with a loud mouth influential manager (Anyone remember Man Utd?) I really just wish Ref´s would be assisted by common sense rules and video technology.
The atmosphere at three point lane as it used to be called sounded absolutely fuckin cracking. Fair play to Spurs fans, their generally the most obnoxious blinkered set of supporters you will ever meet but they don’t half create a noise unlike our mugs who are either on the mobile, blackberry or worse, chanting the most ridiculous song in football, ten men went to fucking mow. Went to mow what? Why did they go to mow? Why sing that song? Its ridiculous and a constant source of embarrassment to me as a blue. I used to have to go and watch Brentford when i couldn’t afford a ticket at Chelsea and although the football was rarely much better the songs were fantastic and if you haven’t sung Hey Jude´ Brentford style whilst watching the bee’s losing 3-0 at home to Blackpool you haven’t lived.


Next question which i honestly don’t know the answer to. Is deliberate handball a yellow or red card offence? If it’s red then Dawson and King shouldn’t have been on the pitch, if it’s yellow then fair enough.

Makelele´s goal was celebrated in great style by the team and the manager but with one serious omission. Where was the yellow card? As my friend Neil W pointed out to me, all players should get a yellow when they score. I was watching Spurs play on match of the day with him and the only other bloke around here whose opinions on footy i respect, Bobby ( Scouser) when Mido scored and promptly ran to his fans, shirt off and jumped in. Neil was screaming as he scored, not in celebration but screaming, ´Get the yellow, get the yellow´. It took me a few seconds to understand but when I did it made perfect sense. Scorers nowadays get booked for over celebrating but fuck it. Im with Neil on this one, we want our players to go mental and act like lunatics, like it really means something to them in this day an age of over paid over hyped athletes. I was as pleased for him as he was for Mido when the ref brandished a yellow card like that was going to stop him.


Talking of Makelele he must be the best player in the world at not getting booked. No matter what he does, scything down a centre forward breaking his leg arm and shoulder in the process his reaction will always be the same. Hands cover his mouth, then go down open revealing a huge grin followed by a wistful smile. Add in a gentle shaking of the head which referees seem to interrupt as ´well he obviously didn’t mean it´, go on Claude!

When they equalised the telly nearly exploded with the noise, I loved it, beating Spurs when they think they have a chance is akin to my views on Aussie sport but this time their fans really did seem to lift them. I would have loved to have been there.

Another question. If Ballack and Lampard can play together so perfectly in midfield then surely Gerrard and Lampard can for England. Hopefully Mike Bassett, sorry i mean Steve Mclaren took notes.

Lennon, Berbatov, Dawson and King all stood out for me. The plus side is that we will probably buy Lennon and King in return for Wright Phillips and Carvalho plus about 100 million. They can have the three points; we will just take their best young talents as a reprisal.

Yet another question. How long do you think it will be before a fan sues a player for getting injured? I thought about this when with a few minutes to go our centre back Carvalho intended to smash the ball out of the ground but instead smashed it full force into the crowd. If anyone was unlucky enough to be on the end of it they were well fucked. I would sue if my nose got broken by a millionaire athlete being so inept that he couldn’t kick a ball over a roof.

Finally and not through to much gritted teeth I have to say well done to Spurs. Ever since I witnessed Martin Jol´s reaction to the goal that never was at Old Trafford I have been a fan of him. To recap, i think it was last season and with minutes to go Spurs were playing Utd at Old Trafford when one of their player’s whacks the ball from the halfway line, probably to try and run down the clock, when the hapless Carroll in goal for Utd drops it and the ball clearly goes over the line. The only people on planet earth to miss it was the ref and linesman and Spurs only got a point when it should have been 3. Can you imagine Mourinho´s reaction? Martin Jol came out for the interview, laughed it off and basically said these things happen. After that i think many people like me wished good things to happen to him, unfortunately it seems my wish came true at the expense of my own team. It’s been a long time coming, i was actually at the bridge the last time Spurs beat us and i was a very young man then, i bet the jokers were singing can we play you every week´ at the final whistle.

I must go now, like i said im in the form of my life with the ladies and a rather attractive Senorita has just sat next to me and engaged in conversation, hopefully Graham poll won’t come in and fuck things up.