Addiction Problems Again

a Sixer, so far 5 is my record

Apologies to those of you who rely on the weekly update to give you a better view of how I am wasting my life away but I was bust err, wasting my life away, Marcus is of course to blame.
Anyone who knows me even half well knows I have an addictive personality and so when Marcus suggested a little ‘hit’ of something good I should have trusted my first instinct and said no; I didn’t.
What happened in the last 7 days of my life I will explain honestly but please don’t judge me harshly, like I said it was Marcus’s fault, he suggested I rent a box set of a hit TV show called ‘24’, I did (as I have purchased a DVD player for a tenner) and its more addictive than crack. Luckily i got him hooked on the Soprano's. God bless my Mum who sent me an email saying ‘your blog has not been updated, you must be at the temple!’

In your room you can order pizza, KFC and beer, also Thai TV covers all English footy and the cricket, no need to go out then.




Please Jack, I want my life back!

Last blog entry I explained that we were in Pai for ‘Sonkran’ and that I was sat in an internet café looking like someone whose colostomy bag had malfunctioned.

Sonkran is the Thai New Year but really an excuse to throw water over anyone within your throwing radius and I explained I had been soaked a few times in the process; well I should have waited because after that entry Sonkran began in earnest and no one was safe. Everyone got covered in water from the moment they left their room to the moment they went back to it, though throwing was meant to stop after dark you would find the odd sniper nip out of his/her hiding place to douse you.

On the Friday I joined the fray, purchasing a bucket and a pair of swimming goggles (which broke) and finally joined forces with a gang of about 10 Thai’s who had taken up a place on a corner facing three roads. It wasn’t their position that enticed me in though, it was the fact they had 3 oil drums full of water and that they had spiced by adding large chunks of ice to each. The looks on peoples faces when you covered them in ice cold water was addictive, I really got into it and spent a happy few hours high fiving my fellow terrorists every time we soaked an unsuspecting farrang.

I also saw my fist ‘5’ on a bike. Yep 5 human beings on a moped not one wearing a helmet and reaching a top speed of at least 30, quality stuff.
We also ventured to another waterfall on the big day itself and the journey there was one of the longest of my life, every single person we passed on the way there and back soak us from head to toe. At one point things looked a little dodgy when a group of about 20 lads forced us to stop, took our bike keys and started putting red paint on us but it all passed off smoothly.


It was not just Sonkran that made Pai special but also the accommodation; I now know when things really go tits up for me I can live happily in an incredibly flammable bamboo hut for a pound a day. Also in Pai we found an amazing bar, the ‘Ting Tong’ bar which was about as chilled a bar as you will ever see. We saw the worst pool table ever and had a game on it. The cues had no tips, some on the balls where only 60% of their original size but the funniest thing was every time you moved around the table the balls moved as the table was on a bamboo floor, so if your crafty opponent left one of his balls over a pocket by the time you had walked the long way round to use the chalk (on the tipless cue) his ball was now in the middle of the table, ha-ha, he still won of course.

We both learned a very valuable lesson in Pai and it was explained to us by an English bar owner, ‘whatever you do’ he said ‘do not drink Chang beer’. After further research to validate his claims it turns out he was right. Chang sponsor Everton but are not even allowed to sell Chang in the UK, why? because it is full of shit.
The chemical they use in the brewing process is formldahyde, the stuff you embalm corpses with, so as you drink it you are slowly pickling yourself and I think I’ve done quite enough of that already in my time.

Drink this at your peril

The journey here was hellish for me so perhaps Marcus took pity on me and agreed we should fly back, instead of 4 hours of hell, 20 minutes in a 12 seater plane with me sitting behind the pilot and keeping a beady on the parachutes in case. The journey was smooth and gave us a unique perspective of the area and in particular the mountains.

So we were back in Chang Mai, had done a weeks detoxing and ready to rumble except we couldn’t as the following day we went to Burma to get our visas renewed. This involved getting up at 7am (I know!) catching a bus to Chang Rai, then a bus then walk over the border, pay various officials something suspiciously like a backhander, then back to Thailand, quick stop for a massage then back on the bus and back to Chang Mai for about 8pm. A long but fulfilling day and then it was time for the party to start again.

When I got back to Chang Mai the first thing I did was to rent a 125cc automatic and how I love it. I normally hate people driving dangerously but as I was approaching 80 with no helmet and after having partaken in a few ales I thought nothing off it. Having the bike opens up whole new places to go, except of course I then discovered 24 and have not been anywhere. I have progressed from a novice a week ago asking Marcus ‘Where’s the reverse on this?’ to now being able to cart around passengers. You have to be a little careful though as there are no rules on the road, no lanes, everyone ignores the lights, tuk tuk drivers are on a bonus for every cyclist they murder and people crossing the road take their lives in their hands, crossing the road here is akin to the video game frogger.
I got arrested along with about 300 other motorists on Monday and had to pay the 3 pound fine for not wearing a helmet, a small price to pay methinks.


I have been carting around passengers as I have been on a number of ‘dates’ recently. I knew I was on a date last week because I took an attractive lady out for dinner, paid for by me, as where the cocktails afterwards and I didn’t even get a poxy kiss on the cheek.
After a few wise words from my coach Marcus I was back in the saddle and date no.2 went much better, I managed to get her to pay for a drink.
Date number 3 was more of a friend thing; well it was until she came onto me. Please believe me when I say I did the honorable thing and took her home, safely, and did not go in for coffee.
Date 4 was and is far more promising until we came to order starters and she admitted to having a boyfriend.
Date 5 is tomorrow night and I’m hopeful I may get a snog though the price on that keeps drifting.
I have also discovered something about myself that I didn’t realize before; I have a penchant for ladies with tattoos and Thai Women love a tattoo which is fine by me.

I have no fixed date on which I’m returning though it will be soon, I’m hanging on by my fingernails to be away for 6 months which will be a week on Saturday. Of course I may well stay until the mighty blues have completed their attempt at a record smashing quadruple and oh my they are getting close. It would be some place to be as most Thai’s are Liverpool fans followed by Man U fans. I am purchasing a brand spanking new knock off Chelsea top tomorrow for about a fiver and will winding up as many as I can over the next few days, now that I have done 4 seasons of 24 in about 5 days I will attempt to keep you posted.


Go On Son!

Life Of Pai

Total

and utter

Carnage

On my travels I have been very fortunate to experience many things but one of the highlights has been to now experience 3 New Year’s eves.

First there was the traditional 31/12/06 (Perth) then the Chinese one (Sydney) and now for my third I am in Pai Thailand and I can say without fear of contradiction, this is the maddest one yet.

Last week was pretty much a continuation of the week before with a couple of notable exceptions; beer, buckets, bubbles and Spicy (yep, I spelt it wrong in the last entry).
The first exception was that in Friday night in Bubbles I think I pulled, yep, the old Spillanester magic was back to the fore.

I say I think I pulled because I haven’t actually seen her since but that’s been due to a set of unfortunate circumstances, me leaving Chang Mai for a while followed by her leaving for a few days but the texts are flying and all seems hopeful for me falling, in classic stereotypical fashion, for a Thai minxtress.

How I pulled is a miracle considering the way I went about things. After a couple of ice breakers she eventually cracked and agreed to dance with me. As you may remember Bubbles staple diet of music is trance/house so when a slightly inebriated Spillanester hit the floor I was under pressure to put in all my best moves and boy did it all come flooding back. Imagine a fatter version of Bez from the Happy Mondays with about 10 cocktails down him and you will get a pretty good picture of how I was grooving; miracously she seemed to love it and complimented me on my moves.

imagine a fatter version less the maracas

All was going swimmingly until I fell into what Marcus calls the ‘Bubbles Black hole’. Holding a long island ice tea I withdrew from the dance floor backwards trying to look as cool as possible but stumbled upon the edge of the dance floor which has a slight step to the bar level; I went down in stages like a overfed heavy weight boxer whose taken one blow to many.

I remember going down and putting my hand out to try and grab Marcus who was blissfully unaware of my fall. Next step was to pour half my drink over me concluding with me landing on my back, drink half empty with one leg in the air.

I was able to regain my composure and bounced up immediately, it had all happened in about 2 seconds but there was no recovery from the stunned looks from the punters and more worryingly my new girl who must have been appalled and the sight of what looked like a man hippo crashing over a fence at Cheltenham.

No amount of shrugging and self deprecating laughter on my part could disguise the fact that I looked like a right wazzock. Still I don’t know how but I managed to save the day and we have a ‘date’ set for next week.

On Saturday evening a few of us hetro’s joined Timba, a gay chap, to one of his favorite nightclubs in Chang Mai. Upon arrival he informed us it wasn’t actually totally gay and that anyone on the right hand side of the club was considered straight, Andy (a top chap from Alaska) and I didn’t move from the right hand side of the club all night.

I actually was into the tunes and joined a foxy looking lady on a podium to show her a few of my moves, how I didn’t fall and break something is incredible. After about an hour of dancing we got down, she leant over and told me she loved me, honestly.

I replied as any man would do by planting a kiss on her sweat ridden brow. I asked her if she wanted a drink and she replied ‘I love you’. It turns out this was the extent of her English, some Farrang with a cruel sense of humor must have told her this was all the English she needed to learn and though to an extent he was right I just couldn’t bring myself to spend an evening with a girl telling me she loved me after I had asked her what her favorite song/book/movie was.

Sunday was the last night we would see Andy so an all out assault was called for and the Holy Trinity of buckets bubbles and spicy’s was completed. I was in such a mess on Monday that I couldn’t join Marcus on the minibus to Pai and so differed my trip to Tuesday.

On Tuesday morning I caught the minibus to Pai looking forward to a 4 hour journey taking the sights of Northern Thailand, instead I sat rigid in fear for my life as the driver attempted to set a new destination record, it was the journey from hell. I remember texting Marcus saying that if I got out of this alive I would get out and punch the driver in the face, though by the time I arrived I was so fear stricken I couldn’t even lift my arms.

Marcus somehow keeps turning over Aces, he has yet to let me down and when he said ‘mate in 20 minutes you will have forgotten all about it' he was proved right again.

Normally one would assume I was to forget it because he had set up a massage or a nicely chilled beer, instead he led me to my room across a bridge that even Indiana Jones would have thought twice about crossing.

Once we had negioated the trapezeing bamboo bridge I rented what is the most luxurious room I have stayed in on this trip (and at the budget busting 1 pound 20 p per night). It was a bamboo hut on stilts with a mattress, fan and mosquito net, nout else and yet from the moment I entered it I knew I had found nirvana.

home sweet home

It is here that I should mention Songkran, the festival that is the Thai New Year. Other countries celebrate by drinking or dancing in national costume, Thai’s celebrate by covering you in water.

It’s hard to describe but imagine every time you walk past a shop, hotel, bar or house, the inhabitants come out with a bucket of water and douse you in cold water dispatched from a bucket hose or water pistol. One of the reasons we left Chang Mai was not only to recuperate from the partying but also to escape the madness.

Marcus actually met someone later that day that had left Chang Mai and his words were

“mate, it was worse than Sarajevo; it’s a fucking war zone down there”.

You simply cannot escape it wherever you go, no matter what you are wearing or whatever mood you are in and of course I love it.

It started Monday, reaches a climax tomorrow and ends possibly on next Monday.

Sensibly with all this going on we thought it a good idea to rent motorbikes and considering I haven’t driven a motorbike in 25 years (and still have scars to prove it) some may have questioned our sanity. After a 3 minute lesson from Marcus I was off to the races and even though I was wobbly, wearing glasses and was constantly being covered I water, I think I coped admirably.

Our first port of call was the swimming pool which put me in full relaxation mood, sipping ice cold drinks, surrounded by beautiful Farrang women and idling on rubber rings in the pool is my idea of fun and the afternoon flew by.

After getting soaked on the way back I managed a nap and went for dinner in a pizzeria at a place described by the lonely planet guide as ‘the best in Thailand’, they weren’t far off the mark.

Next were a few beers in ‘Sashisa’ that had a chalk board honouring those who could down in one between 5 and 15 shots; there were no shortage of students attempting to get their name in chalk but surprisingly both Marcus and I refrained from that.

Next up was Bebop bar with a live band every bit as good as any 3 piece amateurs I have seen in London, knocking out all the old faves from the chilli peppers, the police, the killers, foo fighters etc.
Finally it was off to the Bamboo bar which was closed so up to Fubar where not only did they have the worst pool table we had both ever seen but more excitingly they had a TV which showed the Chelsea game.

At half time things were not looking good, more so when about 5 Thai’s joined me and like the rest of Thailand, were all Liverpool fans.

There were 2 or 3 Man U fans who were going ballistic because they couldn’t find out the score in there game, being the kind natured soul I am I texted me old mucker The Swan for the score. When his text back said 4-0 Utd at half time I wasn’t sure to tell them fearing my mate was pulling a bluff on me but whilst thinking one of them had peered over my shoulder and whooped with delight, I though felt a growing sense of unease as he kept texting, 5-0, 6-0, 6-1, 7-1.

I knew now if he was bluffing I was done for but true to form he didn’t let me down.

Back to the Blues and the equalizer saw me jump and kick over my bottle (by mistake obviously) and cheer loudly, much to the chagrin of the Liverpool fans around me. They then threatened to throw me in the pool adjoining the club if we scored again but I smartly negated this by promising to buy them all drinks if we did and when Essien scored the winner they nearly celebrated as wildly as I did.

My swaying on the way home seemed to work over the bamboo bridge and I went to bed a happy camper having experienced one of those days one will never forget.

you beauty!

Yesterday was spent getting covered in water from drunken Thai’s and their children followed at nighttime by a long bike ride in total darkness to a waterfall we had heard about but never found.

I must admit even though my top speed was somewhere in the 60’s I looked at Marcus ahead and thought of Nicholson and Fonda in easy rider, get in yeahhhhh.

I followed up by having dinner in another lonely planet recommended restaurant, ‘chez swan’ where I enjoyed the joyous Thai cuisine of pie and mash.

I was kept company by the 6 year old daughter of the Thai couple who ran the place and we played Jenga for about and hour and a half; she was hilarious, speaking better English than most of my mates and sharing the same sarcastic sense of humor of most Thai’s that I have met. A couple of shandies more and it was off to bed in my palace where I had the best kip I have had in my times of traveling.

Today is another waterfall run and another soaking, the madness is hotting up nicely; in fact as I type this I am constantly being sprayed by water pistols from the runts across the road though it does cool me down I guess. Tomorrow is 2550 in the Thai calendar making me 584 years of age, on Monday morning after Andy’s leaving do I felt every single one of those chuffing days I promise you.

Oooo that's spicey

Spicey is hotter than this

Another week in Thailand, another week in paradise.

The temples, the sights, elephant trekking, shop at the world famous night market, white water rafting, cookery school, yoga school, learning how to massage and meditate. All these things of course I haven’t done one but if you want to know a decent bar followed by a decent disco I’m your man.

Chang Mai is an amazing place in so many ways not least how there are not more fatalities daily on the roads here, in fact I have not seen an accident yet. 70 percent of people use motorbikes, the rest tuk tuk or cars. There are no road markings, seemingly no laws on overtaking or indicating and very rarely do you see a crash helmet being used.
The biggest number of motorcyclists travel in 2’s though I have spotted many 3’s and am hoping to see my first ‘4 passengers’ on a motorcycle very soon. I as yet have not had the courage to rent a bike, I value my life to much I guess and handily Marcus is a great driver.
Did I forget to mention that there are strict drink driving laws here, if you are caught in charge of a motorcycle at 6 in the morning not drunk you could face a severe penalty, though as I have always maintained, there’s nothing worse than having an accident when you’re sober.


The food continues to amaze, none more so than tonight. A few of us were guided by a Thai couple to an all you can eat Thai buffet, which you cook yourself. The deal is get a table and a white hot furnace is bought to your table whilst you wander off, grab a plate and pile it full of things you would like to eat. I counted over 12 types of fish including all the old favorites’, sea urchin, octopus, ink squid and bizarrely jellyfish (not the nicest to be honest).
One of our guides was called ‘O’ and I promise you he reminded me of a Thai ‘Homer Simpson’, specifically the episode where Homer sues an all you can eat buffet claiming he left hungry whilst the owners claimed ‘he was more animal than man’. The same sentiments came to me with regard to O as he demolished buckets of food with the only pause being whilst he cooked his next piece of meat or fish. Also I really have begun to learn that Thai chilies are in fact a lot stronger than their western counterparts and only once a day now do I leave a table screaming holding my throat and grabbing the nearest liquid to douse the burning (admittedly its often a chang beer).

Speaking of embarrassments the pecker seems to be enjoying himself and whether it’s the heat or the food whatever, he’s in Thailand to look at the sights too. I have an oil massage (6 quid for 2 hours) every day with the same women, ‘Sopsi’ and at the same moment everyday the pecker pops up to say hello to her even though he’s never invited. Luckily she’s used to it now so even though I blush and cover him up its quite obvious to us both that there are now 3 of us in the room. I fancy Sopsi something rotten but because of my erection embarrassments I haven’t had the courage to ask her for dinner, though she is a single Mum and has dropped hints that an invite might not be refuted. I even went and fired a bullet before my last massage thinking if I went without a loaded gun I might get away with it but no, John Tomas turned up bang on cue though not at full attention, he was a little sleepy.

Around the corner from where I am staying is the most fantastic vegetarian restaurant so although I’m partying quite hard the food intake has been healthy and wholesome. I will attempt the Thai cookery school next week methinks but no promises at this stage.
Found the most fantastic bar with Marcus this week also.
The Riverside Café has to live bands on and trust me when I say they were excellent. They did covers of all the old favorites’ (we are the champions, when we were young etc) and I was amazed at how tight the bands were. They covered one of my all time favorites ‘Love Foolosophy’ by ‘Jamioqua’, I think only the great man could have done better.

On the plus side my bartering seems to have improved immensely. Whenever we go out for a game of pool we will inevitably be approached by young children (I’m talking 4 or 5) who try to get you to buy a necklace made of Jasmine. After intensive negotiations I have managed to lower the price from 20 baht (30p) to 10 baht (15p).
I think I may also be losing weight though that is entirely due to the heat and humidity; even a fat git like me manages sometimes to go for long walks and burn off a few ungainly pounds. On one of my walks today I wandered into a festival at a Nepalese temple where they were inducting young men into monkdom. They were all young boys (again 4 or 5ish) all dressed up in the regalia, wearing full make up and nail polish (apparently the prettier you are the luckier it is) and were being carried around so that their feet didn’t touch the floor. Later they were all put into a type of Bedouin tent and had their hair shaved off being dodging school for a month and instead going to the temple to learn about monk stuff. Amazing




Monky business

On the sport sides of things I couldn’t be happier; Thai TV caters to every English sports fan’s whim so last night we watched Chelsea nab a draw, England snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, the previous night watched the Milan game and tonight I’ll be off home to watch the masters.
On Saturday I caused quite a stir in a boozer by doing something I thought I had stopped long ago. Chelsea were playing Watford away and were looking like they would be lucky to just get a draw but would you believe with 2 minutes of injury time gone we popped up and scored the winner. Cue the Spillanester jumping from his stool, taking his top off and waving it above his head whilst running around the bar wildly screaming yeeeeeesssssssssss!!!!!! Much to the total disbelief and shock of all the staff. The last time I did this was 2 years ago at Stan James when the dark looks I received from the gaffer PF convinced me I really should stop doing this. What can I say, I’m not sure if it was the noise or the sight of a little fat Buddha with glasses screaming yes that shocked them more.


The attitude to ‘farangs’s (westerneners) surprises me everyday here. The people are so kind and gentle and accommodate us with no prejudice or concern whatsoever. Though the only Thai I have mastered so far is, sa-wat dee cup (welcome/hello), Chock Dee (cheers) and khorb koon cup (Thank you); it seems to be enough.
The Ladies especially seem to like us which is nice seeing as I find Thai women awfully attractive, they are so much more feminine than their western counterparts and have a devilish sense of humor to boot. My friend from Stan James, Russell constantly keeps asking me about the lady boys and although I’m sure he can find specialist websites for that sort of thing the latest news is yes Russell there are Lady boys in Chang mai so get yourself over here.

One big no no over here is abuse of the King in any shape or form. If only one young Swiss bloke had paid attention to that rule. He was caught spray painting a beard on a poster of the King and was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment. Harsh but if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime.



Finally the timetable for a typical night out here

8pm dinner, often phad thai for about 30p

9pm bar for game of pool and flirt with the bar girls

11pm rooftop bar for a fishbowl or a bucket that is a concoction of Thai whiskey, vodka red bull and coke

12am bubbles or hotshots disco dancing to trance house stuff

2am Spicey’s

5pm onwards oblivion

I say oblivion but often if a complete stranger doesn’t offer to give me a lift home I will mange to walk home and stop at the roadside shop at the bottom of our road buying the locals a can of beer, have a chat with them and play with the stray dogs.

Spicey’s is the club of dreams (and wet ones at that).
It is a mixture of Thai bar girls who have finished work and Thai locals and students who want to dance. The music is hit after hit with me normally reaching ‘lets go mental’ stage when ever the dj plays ‘Jump around’ by house of pain; he normally plays it at least 3 times a night.
The only fights are between the girls and drinks cost a quid.

The only thing in there I still find strange is when one goes to the toilet, I nearly caused a fight the first time I went. As I began my piss two blokes were on me, one patting the back of my legs the other rubbing my shoulders, yep there are masseuses and hadn’t my friend Andy been in there to tell me so all hell would have broken loose. The pressure to piss straight is immense as the guy doing your legs does not wear a visor to protect him for splash backs. They also crick your neck which probably isn’t a good thing as I doubt they are qualified chiropractors, they then hand you a towel after washing your hands and are delighted when you give them both 20p, it’s a different world out here.