Fame At Last

We live just by the blue neon light in the middle of the pic, click on the pic to get a better idea

The celebrity spotting fest continues unabated. 5 Of us were decamping to 7-11 on Sunday night after dinner and the tennis to stock up on munchies before a ‘night-in’. I’m standing looking at the chocolates when Lily Allen pops in with a young gentleman and receives bemused looks from the Swan and I. We of course were the only 2 to spot her being on top of modern culture as we are. I like Lily’s stuff and I liked her attitude on Sunday, she was hammered. Her mates were also a little worse for wear but also polite and friendly. We all exchanged a few words, wished each other adieu then our lot shook our collective heads thinking things couldn’t get anymore surreal.



Lily's so funny, we like Lily.

We had of course been out to dinner to watch the Men’s Final and though I’m sad its over at least I can’t do my money on it anymore. Federer was fantastic and was true to his word after our fleeting conversation with him in a Melbourne lift, I hope Willie backed him.

The gambling story that I mentioned previously has broken out all over the poker forums. I happened to be in the company of the Swan and one Willie Tann when it all came to light and they’re both wiser men than I so I know where they stand and who am I to disagree. The best advice I could give to any aspiring gambler, don’t play golf for 50 grand per hole with one of the worlds best gamblers.

Australia day came and went last Friday and about 12 of us decided to celebrate in traditional style, a barbecue before getting absolutely smashed on a combination of beer and wine (still no spirits or cigarettes!, hurrah!) Superlise has fitted in well and has proved her value by sinking a bottle of vodka before we reached the pub and still staying out later than me, she’s gonna be an interesting travelling companion.

Ok so no backpack travelling yet but the long hard travelling road is ahead, best first to enjoy the comforts of Melbourne and what comforts they are. Its no wonder this little lady is always voted either no.1 or no.2 (Toronto has the title at the mo.) as the most desirable city on the planet to live in. There are so many things I could say about the place, if she were a woman she would be Angelina Jolie, the current Angelina, that’s how super it is here. I love it here and would live here 6 months of the year quite easily I think, all I need to do is work out how!
The travelling will begin in earnest from the 12th, we have flights booked to Sydney and will kick on from there. Things have quietened down considerably now that the Swan has kicked onto Malaysia and Action Dave has returned to messing with the professionals heads on full tilt.

The flat we are renting is uber-cool, I got so lucky in renting It.. I put up an Advert on a local website desperate for accommodation and only received one reply. It was from a man named Warren who said he had a flat to let in Melbourne but wanted 2 weeks in advance and a deposit. We met had a chat, shook hands and he gave me the keys.
It’s a great place and it is situated right bang smack in the middle of the plushest part of the city. We are next to the Hyatt hotel, Gucci, Versace and Tiffany’s, I kid you not, the Paris suburb it is called. I couldn’t have picked a better spot and all for about 14 quid each per night, magic.

I am going to attempt to host a dinner party this week, Amanda and Action man will be our first and most welcomed guest’s. I have begun the shopping for a lavish feast, spending today’s morning hours in the markets today putting together a meal full of local produce and by Jove I think I’ve cracked it., if you live in Melbourne and are reading this you are of course cordially invited.
We had a little soirée on Saturday evening when a few of us grabbed a takeaway from the bottle shop after dinner and retired to spillanetowers to learn how to play Chinese poker. Our teacher was one Rafi Amit from Israel who also won the Omaha 10k rebuy at the 2005 wsop and then nearly defended it last year. To make things a little more interesting he has a photographic memory and has made a few quid out of cards. Perhaps then not the best time to suggest we have a game for money, thank goodness the other 2 players covered my losses to him.

Met up with an old mate of mine this week, Nathan, him of ‘Star Player at Stan James Footy Team’. We met out in Gib and it was great to see him again. He’s a sports nut and he has organized taking us to the second leg of the major semi final between Melbourne Victory and Adelaide United, 0-0 after the 1st leg, 60,000 capacity at the Telstra dome, bring it on;
“give me an M give me an E…etc” Word of advise though you don’t want to get start singing this legendary footie song if you support Borussia Mönchengladbach.

Poker has been going well, its fun to be the big fish in a little pond. I’m playing a 2-3 game & a 2-5 no limit hold em game and showing the locals a move or two. There still at the stage of saying I’m lucky and ‘an idiot’, hopefully no one will cotton to quick.
Poker has been in my head a bit this week. I got put forwarded to a job in the online poker industry recently that I think is in the top 5 of jobs in poker. I’m actually flattered to have been put forward for it, I’m sure I’m no where near qualified enough but you got to be in it to win it so keep collective fingers crossed.



"Your not bad son, but while im around you'l always be second best"

And finally fame at last; finally the Spillanester is in his rightful place, a clip on you tube of him being spanked by the daddy of the game; that is poker.

after the first 5 minutes you see us in action. I did write about this hand somewhere before, somewhere on the stanspokerblog but to re-iterate.

I give it the moody dwell up because I was trying to extend the length of time my great sponsor’s www.stanspoker.com had on the screen. Bizarrely the logos were all blanked out so it just looks like a double chinned idiot making a bad call.

I had played with the great one for about 2 days and we had played a few decent pots together which made my decision easier, I thought he was making a steal and feared only A-K; we both had low stacks; my thinking was:

With J-J or less (making me evens) he makes this move and I’m happy to call, it’s near the money and you need 2 get a stack around this stage if your gonna win this thing.

Q-Q K-K A-A he doesn’t want to lose anyone so will not move all in and I smell a rat.

A-K; I’m fucked.

A-Q, A-J, A-10 and being Phil possibly a lot less hands I’m in good shape.

That’s what happened in my head anyway and I was pleased with the way I played in the whole tournament. It was nice to pits one wits against the best and I did good. But for the inevitable bad beat just before the end of play

(Bad Beat Story Alert: when my Aces got cracked by a pair of 8’s all in before the flop)

I would have been chip leader after day one, I lost the hand about 20 minutes before the end of play and I was bang in the zone.
Fair play to Kenna James who gave Stans a good spray up, the 75 million US viewers didn’t see the name but they heard the name, we rewarded him months later at the 2006 WSOP by bombarding him with stress balls, (www.stanspokerblog.blogspot.com)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqSpRO80QeE

Double Chin Alert: Please Remember The Camera Adds 38 pounds, thanks

Super Sis and Superlise

My Lovely Sister (the one in the wedding dress)


Other than what appears to be happening at my beloved Chelsea, if the last week were a poker hand it would have been K-K on a flop off K-9-3 off suit.

Well what wonderful events have occurred this past week

1. Sisters birthday. My lovely sister Ailish had her birthday last week and sent me an email, here are the opening sentences

So – here’s the setting - I am in a camper van with no electricity or power somewhere random on the east coast of Oz and I manage to get champagne and a cake delivered to your table in a restaurant in Gib for your birthday....
Meanwhile yesterday you are in some flash hotel in Melbourne and you cant even manage to send me a text or an email even when I reminded you of my upcoming birthday??!!!!!!!!!!
A very fair point and extremely well made, sorry Sis, I will attempt to bribe my way back into your good books when I get back (Shoes, Champagne etc)

2. Super Lise. Those of you who read the Stanspokerblog will remember a little Scottish urchin I used to manage called CD. He has a lovely girlfriend called Laura and she in turn has a lovely best friend called Annalise.

Annalise and I had met each other twice and had a good laugh. The 2nd time we went out for a good bevy and somewhere along the night the Oz trip came into conversation and she said she fancied it, I said come along, go for it, end result, I met a somewhat dazed Superlise at the airport Saturday morning. We gonna do some travelling together and enjoy a few laughs.

Superlise has many ‘Bridget Jones’ qualities about her, clumsiness being one of them. Within 5 minutes of hitting the streets of Melbourne yesterday she tripped over a Japanese tourist and later screamed in fright at a passerby who was checking to see if she was ok, resulting with him screaming in fright. We have been able to rent a flat for a couple of weeks, today I tossed her my favourite tennis ball, which she promptly fumbled and dropped, out of the window. I shall have to look after Superlise methinks but it will be no burden as she seems to be a Super young Lady and funnier than a barrel full of monkeys on laughing gas.



Superlise aka Bridget J

3. Food. I love food and Melbourne is a food lover’s paradise with literally thousands of restaurants of all types all over the place. The standard of food and range of produce is frightening. Tonight a few of us are going for a budget blowing gourmet dinner at one of Australia’s finest chefs new restaurants; after that it will be a firm tightening of the budget belt and reducing the blubber that is interfering with my other belt. Happily Superlise is on a fitness regime so I may well join her in her early morning jogging moments.

4. Cinema. As well as great food Melbourne has great cinemas and I have discovered the beauty of paying a little extra to attend the ‘Gold Cinema’. Here you get seats that recline so far back that I managed to inadvertently put my head on the lap of the Lady behind me whilst all my change fell out of my pockets. I quickly rescued the change and myself then pressed the in seat attendant button which alerted a waitress who bought me a decent glass of Chablis and I settled down to enjoy ‘The Queen’, (great film well worth a watch).

5. Poker. Melbourne has been kind and the poker players kinder with many of them clubbing together and contributing towards the ‘Paul Spillane has expensive taste so lets make it a little easier on his pocket’ fund. So far I have not had a losing session, a combination of playing small stakes and not getting unlucky have enabled me to have a nice little run and cover a lot of the recently incurred expenses.

Tennis. The Swan and I have seen some great games and great players (Mauresmo, Sharapova, Williams, Roddick, Federer, Safin) but the 2 best games where the Gaël Monfils match and last nights Murray v Nadal. Sadly the mighty Brit was defeated in 5 sets but what a game and what a great performance; Nadal 21 Monfils 19 and Murray 19 look the most likely contenders to Federer’s throne. We have also continued to be invited as Willie’s guests to breakfast with the great and good of the tennis world though the novelty has worn off now.



This is the picture of him on wikepdia, he obviously gets real excited when he wins a point

6. Action Dave and Amanda. My friend Action Dave has been on great form and with his lovely Missus Amanda, invited Superlise, The Swan King Richard and I to a party on Saturday night over in Brighton, a well to do suburb of Melbourne. Jell-O shots, Abba, Mojitos, Cigars and Blondie are all staples of a good party and where provided in abundant measures by the host Lolly whose 21st the party was in aid off.

King Richard won the ‘Oh no I’m gonna regret this in the morning prize’, in fact he also won the silver and bronze in a performance that has ended up with him booking himself into a health farm in Thailand for a week, marvelous stuff.

Other things of note, the weather. This place has the strangest weather in the world, one day 30+ sunny next 14 and raining, next 44+ and humid, next 17 windy and torrid rain. It’s all to do with the wind apparently.
Also as mentioned I was able to rent an apartment bang smack in the middle of Melbourne, which has saved a fortune on hotels and yet is a little more comforting than the hostels we are soon to encounter. I’m extending my Oz trip and am now not sure when I have to go back to reality, as soon as the money runs out I guess.

Things planned for this week other than tonight’s dinner are

Wednesday: trip to food markets to pick up grub for dinner party we are hosting for those who have assisted us in Melbourne so far.

Thursday: Weather permitting picnic and beach day

Friday: Australia Day, carnage potential massive

Saturday: Hangover day

Sunday: Men’s final

After that we have a couple of other things on the wish list then its ‘Outback’ time, Gawd help us.

Breakfast With The Federer's

Back at the Crown

It’s been a budget busting few days but hey, I’m on holiday right?

It all started last week with a road trip with my good friend ‘The Swan’. We hired a car and took off to Margaret River, Western Australia’s premium wine growing region. We managed to get lucky and get a room in this most popular of areas. The first evening we decided a small splash out on a decent dinner was the order of the day so again we got lucky by booking the last table in the town’s most prestigious restaurant, vat107. The food was delicious as was the wine, which set up the following days plan quite nicely, a wine tasting day. We finished the evening in a karaoke bar (The Swan’s idea) before opting for a reasonably early night; we had a big day ahead of us.

The day started with a hearty breakfast of eggs and bacon, one can never line the stomach enough before a wine tasting adventure. The Swan is a veteran of such day’s but I was a first timer, a novice if you will and although I had spent approx 25 years preparing for this day, even I was taken aback when our most excellent host Kim opened proceedings with the immortal words “today you will drink approximately 60 glasses of wine”, this line was delivered at 11am; it was going to be a good day.

Our first port of call was Xanadu vineyard where the lady who was our guide explained the way to taste wine, how to pour it, prepare it, store it, bottle it, swirl it and just about everything else. What surprised me was the fact we tasted 8 wines, 3 white 2 rose and 3 red moving from lightest to strongest. It was early and fortunate that I realized I better make good use of the spittoon and free water if I was going to last the whole day.

After Xanadu we headed to a local producer who decided 8 wines was really not enough and that he better add in a few port tastings as well, good man. The ports were marvelous and the spittoon stayed dry as the group knocked back drink after drink. The last stop before lunch was at the Voyager estate that is famous around these parts for its lavishness. It’s owned by a teetotaler which I found amusing and is also home to the 2nd largest Australian flag in the world. After in taking all that information it was time for more wine.

After the tasting we were ushered into the dinning room for an exquisite lunch consisting of oysters, salmon, veal, cheeses and of course more wine. It was at lunch that the group bonded and I got to know Brent & Laura, Justin & Renee, Liz & Liam, Alex & Kat and Hugh & Sandra. We all got on famously well which added immensely to the day. The lunchtime banter was assisted by the addition of more wine courtesy of the Swan; Kim finally managed to get us out of there and to the next vineyard. The wine as flowing now and they may as well have not bothered with the spittoon; no one was wasting any of the wine.

Kim informed us the part of the journey would take 20-25 minutes, to long without a drink for a wine sodden group such as ourselves so we asked Laura to ask Kim to stop so we could get some more booze. He was rather bamboozled by our shenanigans but looked on amusedly as we all tucked into the bottles of beer we had purchased. He commented later that he had never encountered a group that had wanted to stop half way to get more alcohol, something I think we were all very proud off.

More vineyards, more wine, more laughter followed by more beer and the final destination, a stop at a chocolate factory. Kim was either on a kick back from the factory or had been threatened by Sandra to take us there, I cannot think of any other reason we would have gone there, I suppose he may have thought that we had had enough to drink by then. The day of course was far from over, we were all having way to much fun to stop, we instructed Kim to drop us off at the best boozer in town and though sadly Hugh & Sandra and Liz and Liam had to go, the rest of us drank in their honor. Liz and Liam had the distinction of being the 2nd couple I had met to have got married in a vineyard; Laura and Brent being the first; these were smart people we were mingling with.

At the bar things were slowly getting messy. Mojhitois were ordered though I commendably stuck to my rule of no spirits on this trip, so I nursed beers whilst the others wandered into a cocktail frenzy. Friendships were made, numbers, business cards and email addresses exchanged. The end of the evening saw Alex Kat Brent the Swan and I, absolutely leathered and ordering one last drink. The Swan decided him and Brent were going to enjoy a tipple of his favourite whiskey, a Macallans, in fact he ordered doubles which in hindsight was a mistake, Brent didn’t like whiskey so he had to drink them both himself, it didn’t do him any favours the next day.

The following day we journeyed to Warpole to see my Auntie Francis and her partner Rod. Auntie Francis loves a good laugh and is a bundle of joy. Even emergency brain surgery late last year couldn’t curtail her though it knocked her smoking and drinking. Our family has a hereditary aneurysm problem and Francis nearly joined a long line of our family who have passed away as a result of the aneurysm not being detected but an emergency flight into Perth hospital saved the day, and my favourite Aunt. I’m pleased to report even though she can no longer enjoy a tipple or a grout she was still in top form.
We gossiped, went for walks, did the treetop walk and generally made each other laugh, which is what she is all about. The Swan seemed to enjoy it also though when Rod had us both logging in the forest at 7am the next morning after pretending we were going fishing I’m not sure how happy he was (hilariously he was wearing about a monkeys worth of lacoste clobber that doesn’t react well to being covered in sawdust). A great time had by all and I’m looking forward to going back to see her at some point.

Next up, a fabulous leaving do meal with Jay and Tina at one of Perth’s finest restaurants, it was the least I could do after the incredible hospitality they have shown me. My family has been so good to me on this trip its overwhelming, especially as I can be a complete twat sometimes.

Last Thursday we arrived in Melbourne and the following day we indulged in a little wager at 9-2 of the Christians to beat the lions, or England versus Australia. In hindsight the Christians would stand a better chance of defeating a lion. Still after that debacle the Swan came up trumps with a couple of tickets to the 3rd 4th place match and final at the Kooyong tennis. The runner up match was between Andy Murray and Marit Saffin (victory for Murray) and the final between Andy Roddick and one Roger Federer (Roddick won). We actually bumped into the finalists on their way to centre court, something that was to happen again later in the week. The games were awesome and our seats more so. For 15 quid we sat about 15 rows behind the server/returner and watched 4 of the world’s greatest tennis players.


They keep following me

After the tennis we enjoyed more fine wine, more fine dining and more partying. The Aussie Millions is on at the crown this week and many old friends and enemies are in town so it was good to catch up with them. One definite friend we caught up with yesterday was one Willie Tann, the legend himself.


Even Federer obeys Willie

A few years ago there was a game called 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon, in it you could relate every Hollywood actor to Kevin Bacon through films he had done. Well you could play this game in the gambling world with Willie, he simply knows everyone, from the prime minister of Singapore to the bloke murdering 50 bucks on a pokies at the crown.
He never fails to make me laugh due to the plethora of tales anecdotes and philosophies he recites. Today’s was “there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s always an oncoming train’.

Willie is full of energy and has been around the gambling game as long as most, if it wasn’t for his illness (dice) he would have got the lot and kept the lot years ago. Willie also is a big fan of a freebie and the crown did their best to extend the level of free luxury that Willie is used to. This explains how the Swan Action Dave King Richard and I all ended up at breakfast this morning in the crystal room after being invited by Willie.
The breakfast was good and the views of Melbourne from the penthouse floor private restaurant were staggering but I found our breakfast companions most interesting. Obviously Phil Ivey was going to be there but I didn’t expect Andy Roddick to be sat next to me chatting away to James Blake. When Roger Federer came in with his missus it almost seemed normal but they say always leave the best till last and when the next star entered the room I fell silent.
You’re a million to guess and most of you won’t know her if you’re not interested in golf but Michelle Wie is a living legend and the female Tiger Woods. Only 16 now at 14 she missed the cut in a men’s golf event by one shot, at 14! She sat down next to our table with her parents and endured me gawping at them for a time. More here edited from wikapedia

In 2002, Wie won the Hawaii Open Women's Division by thirteen shots. She became the youngest player to qualify for an LPGA event A year later, she became the youngest player ever to make a cut in a LPGA event at the Kraft Nabisco. Wie earned an historic victory at the Women's Amateur Public Links tournament, becoming the youngest person ever (male or female) to win a USGA event for adults. In 2004 Wie became only the fourth female, and the youngest ever, to play in an event on the PGA Tour, at the Sony Open in Hawaii. She shot 72-68 to finish at even par, but missed the cut by one stroke. That year, Wie was named to the U.S. team for the 2004 Curtis Cup and became the youngest woman ever selected to the play as the U.S. team went on to win.

Other than the usual tittle tattle there is a big story taking place here in Melbourne which is going to be the talk of the poker world for a few months. I cannot go into details presently as I know the people concerned and I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate me banging on about here but it’s caused a whirlwind of gossip, accusation, scandal and involves over a million bucks. To prove it one of the tennis players was even discussing in openly at breakfast, intriguing stuff with more to come I’m sure.

Well all the excitement aided the digestion of a tasty breakfast. Afterwards we got in the lift and who should jump in last minute but Mr. Federer again. Willie being Willie decided to ask him if he was going to win, a shy Federer answered that he would try his best. Willie is a punters punter and loves to have an edge so this answer was clearly not enough for him, “But are you going to win the whole thing Roger?” We all knew Willie was contemplating a huge wager depending of Federer’s answer. “I promise I will be trying my best “ a now laughing Federer answered and was only saved from a more in depth grilling from Willie as Chris Jesus Ferguson entered our lift and took Willies attentions. We all wished Roger the best though at least 3 of us were wishing him the best if Murray doesn’t win it.

Last night we had been at the opening day of the Australian Open and had courtside tickets for the evening matches provided courtesy of Mansion gravy train.com. Action Dave and I decided wisely that we should try and blag seats nearer the front and the closer we got to the front the braver we became. It ended with him and I sitting ringside next to the coaches, trainers, family and girlfriends of Marit Safin and Benjamin Becker who provided us with an entertaining 5 set thriller. Today we go to cheer on Andy Murray and blag a ringside seat at the Leyton Hewitt match and hopefully I will be able to find a cure for a recurring problem I have been having lately, namedroppingitiss.



Keep practising Michelle, one day you might be as good as me

Spit Roast Spillane

The Lovely Samantha and I Before The Burns


It actually rained here earlier in the week; I couldn’t believe it, rain? No chance of sunburn then. I got badly sun burnt once in my life before, an occasion never to be forgotten by me.
In 1991 British airways introduced a one off special offer. To encourage people to fly after the gulf war they announced that on a certain date in April all flights on BA any where in the world would be free. All one had to do was fill in a request sheet naming the top 3 destinations you would like to go to in priority order. The offer was limited to one per household and I filled in 58,975 in total. Now one had to show a little level of cunning in this matter, there was no point in filling them all in with Sydney, Barbados or Mauritius as every other joker would be trying that, oh no my plan was to put in destinations that no one in their right mind would want to go to, Isle of Wight, Scotland and Iceland were all in there. I would then try and change the destination claiming I couldn’t go back to the winning country.

Sure enough on Grand National Day I received a letter from BA informing me that I had indeed won a free flight to…….Lisbon. Not a disaster but I was hoping for something meatier. After attending Aintree and watching Garrison Savannah cruelly beaten by Seagram (and watching most of my holiday money go down the tubes) I took the chance and phoned B.A. hoping to switch journeys. After claiming my best friend had recently been murdered in Portugal and there was no possible way I could return there due to emotion reasons; the helpful staff offered me 3 alternative destinations, Philadelphia, Miami or Tokyo. Philly was a non runner so it was eachey peachey on the other two and I had to make my mind up quickly, I elected Miami as the winner.

A few weeks later the lovely Samantha (my then girlfriend) and I were on our way business class (got upgraded thanks to connections) to Miami Florida; having never been outside of Europe before I was more than a little excited.
We landed in the afternoon, got a car, drove to Miami Beach and rented a room on the beach. It was late by the time we got there so an early night ensued. The next morning after breakfast we did a little shopping and I was amazed at how cheap Budweiser was, from memory a 6 pack cost $2 and as the exchange rate was at least 2:1 that meant I was paying about 17pence a can, decent.

I got my six pack and along with my new book ‘Silence of the lambs’, a Sony walkman playing mostly U2 and a brand new bottle of tanning oil, I didn’t want to mess about with high factors as I was a white as a sheet and I wanted to get as brown as possible as quickly as possible. We took our place on the wonderful
South Miami Beach and after a few cans I slumped into a deep sleep.
I was awoken by what can only be described as a rather large, muscled lifeguard who was prodding me and asking me to “get up, get up”; I did and I was ready for a scrap.
Just because he was a Baywatch look-alike didn’t mean he could muscle in on the lovely Samantha without a fight. Rather than put up his fists as I had he kept telling me “Go home Buddy” and “Your really burning here”. At first I thought it was another American friendly fire incident or that he had become scared of the Spillanesters gun’s but he just stood there and gawped as the lovely Samantha and I made our way back to the room and as it was about 5pm and I had been on the beach for about 5 hours I thought we may as well go and eat.

After showering and changing we made our way to a nearby pizza hut where I was about to discover all was not well. After our drinks arrived my right leg started to shake quite noticeably and when it was time to go to the salad bar the left leg started doing the same. The lovely Samantha asked me to please “pack it in Paul” but when my arms began going then my neck she knew it was serious and not one of my ill judged pranks. We left immediately as the spasms got worse and headed for the room where upon arrival I immediately ran a cold bath, the pain was starting.

Over the next few hours I experienced pain that I hope never to experience again; childbirth through the head of my Willy would have been less painful. My body went into shock as my skin tightened around me forcing me to have a permanent smile much like a celebrity who has overdone the plastic surgery. I also experienced moments of insanity (more than normal), as I was apparently trying to throw myself off our 5th floor balcony to escape the pain. In between fits I was screaming in agony whilst sitting in a bath full of iced water, not nice and things were about to get worse.
The lovely Samantha called down to reception and explained the situation, I was burning and in desperate need of help.

I got out of the bath and lay on some towels naked on the bed; I thought I may as well watch some US TV before descending further on my journey into hell. After a time there was a knock on the door which the lovely Samantha was about to answer.
Due to the tightening of skin I physically couldn’t move, nor could I actually move my mouth to speak properly, I asked her,” Sam cover me up please” before opening the door, which to her sounded like “Am, oven ut am! Am! Over me lease cover Am!
All my screams were to no avail as she opened the door and realized my worst nightmare.

Six firemen entered the bedroom and were greeted by the view of me naked on the bed, lobster coloured and smiling like Liz Taylor on acid, they must have thought it was some kind of weird English sexual prank we were playing.

The lovely Samantha started explaining what had happened whilst I was still naked and appealing to her to cover me up.
“Am! Ur ucks ache over ee ut” translation, “Sam for fucks sake cover me up”

Still nothing and now that the firemen realized we were not perverts the smiles turned to smirks then the smirks turned to outright laughter. To make matters worse my John Thomas had been partially burned and fully frozen in iced water; it’s not the biggest at the best of times but now it looked like the manhood of a 4 hour old baby boy. An acorn resting on 2 salted peanuts should give you an accurate idea of why I so desperately wanted to be covered up.

Finally one of the firemen did the honorable thing and suggested taking a photo, when I started convulsing he did finally give up on the gags and put a towel over me whilst telling the lovely Samantha to pack a bag, it was hospital time. The receptionist had mistaken the call for me burning literally but the firemen offered to take me along to hospital.

After 10 minutes one of the firemen asked what the delay was, the lovely Samantha said she was trying to find her curlers, the fireman then explained to her that he meant for her to pack a bag for me as it was I that was going to hospital. The lovely Samantha’s face dropped slightly but she soon perked up when she discovered she would be allowed to come along to, the thought of missing out on a trip with 6 men in uniform may have made her jump over the balcony.

The journey sadly lasted all of 5 minutes, when asked “Do you have insurance” we responded honestly which was a mistake. Saying we didn’t know was enough for the firemen to turn back round and drop us both back in my room, I don’t know who was the saddest about that.

I spent the rest of the night sat in the hotel swimming pool whilst the lovely Samantha got her head down and no doubt dreamed of getting badly sun burnt. The next two weeks resulted in me sitting in my room watching crap TV whilst the lovely Samantha shopped to her hearts content. We did manage to extend the trip by an extra two weeks and I even managed to come home with a glorious sun tan, that tanning oil really did do the trick.






We did'nt age well after to much sun exposure, we are both 25 in this picture.

You Mean There's Racing Here?

copacabana beach, over 2 million reveller's, wouldnt have fancied the cue for the toilets

Yesterday I attended what can only be described as the greatest race meeting in the world, the Perth Cup at Ascot racecourse, more on the carnage that ensued there later.

After the awesome lunch on Christmas day what better way to regain my athletic physique than with a good game of golf. Araluen Country Club was the venue and their motto is ‘it’s more than just a game, it’s an adventure’, they didn’t lie. On the first hole I had to use my 7 iron on the green, not because I had broken my Aunties putter but because I was about 20 feet away and between me and the hole was enough kangaroo poo to fertilize most of Western Australia.



The Fairway On The 2nd


On the 2nd we couldn’t tee off until the roo’s had moved from the fairway to the rough (after my uncles tee shot I think a few of them wished they had stayed where they were.) Then when I landed in a greenside bunker I had to wait until a mother roo and her offspring hopped jumped and skipped their way past me, amazing stuff. I didn’t play well but the beauty of the course and the wildlife on view more than made up for it, its not often you tee off at a down hill 155 metre par 3 in the company of 5 resting kangaroo’s.
Later in the week we Jason Tina and I had a fabulous evening, dinner at their favourite Japanese restaurant where we gorged on raw fish followed by a walk around Kings Park.



I wouldn’t say I’m a big park fan but this place was the nuts. It has the most amazing lookout point which gives you the greatest view of Perth and the Swan River. It has treetop walks, outdoor cinema, botanic gardens, a whispering wall, (it really does work, Tina stood at least 30 metres away from me, whispered “hello Paul” to the wall and 30 metres away with my ear to the wall I heard it!) but most impressively two thirds of the Park is natural bushland.



similar to the view you get from the lookout


On Friday cousin Jason excelled himself yet again, he took us camping. Camping isn’t something I have done since I was about 16 and after I got back I wondered why I had left it so long, camping is brilliant fun and it’s certainly something I intend to do more off in the future. We went to a place called Dwellingup which is in the middle of nowhere, a perfect place to go camping. We got a spot, though not Jay’s favourite one and set up our base. When I say ‘we’ that might be stretching it a little, Jay, Tina and Josh set up camp and I got the beers in. 40 minutes later 2 habitable tents were erected and I was on my 2nd tinnie. The thing I enjoyed most was that we were camped up a 2 minute walk from the Murray River which we constantly went swimming in.



We were just to the left and a 2 minute walk



Early night after staring at the stars was followed by an early start and an attempt by us all to make a dent into the 70 odd cans of emu bitter than had cooled nicely overnight. Bouts of bitter drinking were punctuated by games of cards, eating, swimming and soaking up the rays. By nightfall we had made a decent dent into the 70 cans, there were 5 left and it was time for bed after a moonlit swim. I awoke the next morning, New Years Eve, covered in bruises cuts and ubi’s (unidentifiable beer injuries). Later I bid my farewell to the family and made way to Perth to meet ‘The Swan’.

Murray and I met up and decided on a quiet-ish NYE as we were heading to the Perth Cup the next day and didn’t want to be ruined for that. We met in Northbridge, had a beer in the brass monkey and ate dinner alfresco at a quaint pizzeria. Now guess if you can how much we paid for the following, 2 brushetta’s, 1 calamari, 1 penne arrabbiata, 2 daviola pizza’s 1 tiramisu 1 chocolate mud cake 2 beers and 2 bottles of vasse felix cabernet sauvignon. If you said less than fifty quid you can give yourself a pat on the back.

As ever when you are with the Swan things happen, good things, for he is blessed. Our little table happened also to be next to the main road in Northbridge, a pedestrian catwalk. Also the local radio station had a little booth a few feet away from us playing cool tunes to the sultry body’s swaying away 2006, it was a great evening and the most sensible one I have had in living memory, which is just as well as I was going to need all my energies for New Years Day and the Perth Cup.


How to describe the Perth Cup, hmm, well The Swan has attended just about every noteworthy horse meeting on the planet so he’s much better qualified than me to comment on it, “There’s nothing like this anywhere in the world, madness” were his words and wise ones at that, I loved every second of it.
Listen to these comments on it from a local Perth newspaper…

“The Perth Cup is supposed to be going upmarket, but its official website does nothing to shake off its reputation as a day of booze and sex.”

“According to the site, Tentland in 2007 will be a "cocktail of glamour, sex, style and beat'' where punters are advised to ``leave your (New Year) resolutions at the door - you wont need them here''. Nowhere does it mention horses.”


“Mr Robertson said he couldn't see a contradiction between promoting a sophisticated experience and sex.”It is a sexy experience and there will be a lot of beautiful people here,'' he said. ``It's not about zimmer frames and colostomy bags. If that's what you are wanting, you are in the wrong place, these are young, sexy and vibrant people.''

The Swan is vibrant, I’m young and sexy (*), we were right at home.

We went for the ‘Tentland’ option at a cost of 250 dollars or about a hundred quid and we picked the ‘The Lounge Room’ Marquee’s as our venue. We made our way there for 11.55; the free bar began at 12 midday. The bar was free for 4 hours and so the organisers kindly put on plenty of staff expecting a surge, they weren’t wrong. The marquee probably held about a 1000 people and amazingly we all appeared to be thirsty at exactly the same time.

After the initial surge you didn’t have to wait longer than a minute to get served, in England I doubt you would have been able to get to the bar twice in 4 hours if the pop was free. Nibbles were served throughout the day, tempura prawns, sushi, dorrito’s n dips, quiche slices, pizza slices, hot beef sandwiches, sausages with fried onions, pork and stuffing rolls and so it went on, no need to go hungry. As is usual over here water and sun lotion were free and widely available.


Mr Robertson, whoever he is, was correct in his comment about “It is a sexy experience and there will be a lot of beautiful people here”, none were more beautiful than the models that entered the room, took to the stage and started parading around modelling swimwear, as one wag put it, it’s like being in your own lap dancing bar’.
They were followed by an all female dance troupe who performed a very sultry and slick routine to some Christina Aguilera song. As a treat for the ladies 3 guys then came out, stripped down to their briefs and performed a dance routine to a Justine Timberlake tune. This happened in total for about 15 minutes and was on the hour every hour with a changing of songs, outfits and routines, incredible. All this in our little Marquee, heaven knows what was going on in some of the others. Later the ladies got a bonus when a male stripper performed Chippendale style and we were nearly killed in the rush by women hurtling themselves to the stage when he asked for a volunteer.


As is the custom with all high profile race meetings the ladies hosed themselves down, put on the war paint and wore their finest dress often accompanied by a new hat and shoes. If the Swan ever fancies for a career change he could do worse than become a fashion commentator. “Green is this year’s colour Paul” and I had to agree with him. We also agreed the best dress competition was won by a girl wearing a dress that wouldn’t have looked out of place in the 1930’s a ‘Great Gatsby’ type dress thingy.



similar to the lady on the right


The Racing? No one played the slightest attention to it, really, no one. We walked around the paddock, stand and general enclosure later but the only buzz was around the bookies stands, and I couldn’t wait to get back to the marquee.
We only saw one race, the Cup race itself and I backed a little English fella called Bay Story, sensibly choosing to ignore one of the best judges of horseracing in the world who backed the favourite. Coming around the bend my 12-1 voucher was looking home and hosed but sadly got pipped by another outsider Respect who copped the 400,000 prize.


As the day wore on so did the effects of the free bar began to hit home and though I had rigidly stuck only to beer and champagne my senses were a little worse for wear, I wasn’t alone. The room was now officially bouncing; music blared out, most people were dancing others were falling over.
At around 6pm we made our way to the concert area for people in the tented village area and the scene was much the same, women with their shoes in one hand, their champagne in the other, men ogling women, beer in one hand and a beer in the other. We watched till about 7 but by this time we were both finished, had we been in the Cup race we wouldn’t have had a chance, it’s a stayers race.

Obviously the cue for taxi’s was massive, obviously being in the company of one who is blessed we got one immediately. I’m not sure my cousins were overly impressed with the state of me when I turned up but I shall buy them a spankingly good dinner by way of an apology. So that was it, the Perth Cup, next year sell one of your organs and get here, it will be well worth, except don’t sell your liver, you’ll need it.

* According to my Mother, thanks Mum.