Off The Bench?

Finally the Daddy of British cooking made it to our screens and I hope we see more of him in the future. Marco Pierre White has done it all in terms of cooking and restauranteering yet bizarrely decided to showcase his talents in ITV’s ‘Hell’s Kitchen’. How glad we are he did, he is the nuts.

The daily routine recently for me has been:
Get up at lunchtime.
Peruse the internet for work.
Afternoon on the beach.
Bite to eat
Spend the evening conquering pro evo, Tiger Woods and EA cricket.
Finally on occasion the Spice Boys treat ‘Grandad’ to a couple of complimentary beers.

In fact I have become so proficient at Tiger Woods people have employed me to play their games and unlock all the courses for them. Other than a PS2 worker I have also recently been a taxi driver, an assistant shopper and cricketer.

The taxi job was a fairly simple run to and from Seville. Somehow I managed to get lost on the way back and found myself approx 200 km from my home some 4 hours later, out of petrol and money. I took the only course of action open to me; I filled the car full of petrol and did a runner. I did go inside to try and explain my dilemma but only being able to order beer in Spanish made things difficult. I told them I would sort them out as soon as I passed by again and intend to do so on my way to Malaga next week.

The assistant shopper was to a friend of mine who needed some emergency gardening equipment that we managed to locate in Tarifa. We even managed to bump into David Ginola.

The cricketer position was for Mansion (aka the gravy train) who paid me a most modest sum of 4 pints for each appearance, an arrangement sadly curtailed due to it now being the end of the season.

Happily it seems all this gallivanting will have to stop as finally employers have realised the value of employing the Spillanester and have finally got their collective fingers out and come calling. I am pleased to report I have 4 interviews lined up over the following 10 days and I like my odds.

Sadly it looks increasingly likely I shall be leaving Spain but as one door closes etc.
I have already given in my notice on my flat and am well and truly screwed if I don’t get a job offer from one of these 4 companies.

Of course the recruitment agencies are all creaming themselves over the huge fee placing me would earn them. One agency in particular stuck out when they informed me a bottle of whatever I like will be shipped my way upon an offer. I’m being optimistic and have already settled on this if I get placed

http://www.whiskymag.com/whisky/brand/talisker/whisky3752.html

When the recruiter asked me why I had chosen this particular brand I merely recited the line ‘Artie’ from the ‘Larry Saunders show’ did when asked the same question. ‘Son’ he said, ‘one day you will die and go to heaven. When you enter the pearly gates and meet God for the first time you will say Hello God and God will say hello back. When he does, this is what you will smell on his breath’.

Here are a couple of other gems and pieces of new knowledge I picked up from watching too much TV these last few weeks.

First up Micha Richards responded well when asked what he thought about opponents Israel’s recent good form prior to their game against England, ‘ I thought they were due’.

Next up was Johnny Vegas whilst sharing a kitchen with Gordon Ramsey in the F word. He described to the chef how he and his friends often have Gordon Ramsey inspired theme nights. ‘Yeah, we just stand around telling each other to fuck off’.

Also apparently Women have menstrual cycles, Men have masturbation cycles. 4 days a month Men experience a change in their body that prevents them from enjoying wanking apparently.

British farmers need to catch a break and quick, how long can their bad luck continue?

Dave Ulliott should give up playing poker and take up poker commentary full time.

My good friend Latebet might have been right when he predicted 8 years ago that Gareth Barry could be England’s best player of the future.

So like I say, we are down the stretch and are hoping to be gainfully employed sooner rather than later. Huge thanks go to Superlise who was over here this week and who managed to sort out my suit getting dry cleaned before said interviews and even purchased a brand spanking new shirt for me to prevent me from wearing my 17 old ‘lucky shirt’. Finally she managed to get me to the barbers for the obligatory pre interview haircut.
CD has also once again gone out of his way to assist me with transport and AJ has been better at getting me interviews than all the professional recruitment agencies, I am lucky to have made friends with such generous people.

Of course there is one final obstacle to overcome before 'interview week' and that occurs tonight when Spain celebrates the birthday of Juan.
Juan is the bartender at ‘Termita’ a local boozer frequented by all of Lalinea’s hottest women and of course, the Spice Boys. He is friendly, charming, speaks English and is without question in my top 3 barmen of all time list.
What you may ask is the requirement to make it into the Spillanesters top 3 barmen of all time list and I will tell you.

A willingness bordering on pathologic to serve after hours, a considerable willingness not to charge you anywhere close to the actual real price and finally the ability to lure attractive Spanish ladies to your hostelry all add to instant superstar status in my book.

Tonight we celebrate the day he was born and are invited to a private party where Juan has promised us all one hell of a night. Juan considers drinking a bottle of Tequila along with 25 bottles of Heineken as a quiet night, I fly to interviews Monday, you do the math.

More good news received recently was the news that my good friend Matt who you may remember was in hospital in Gibraltar has returned home to England. I trust he will get much better assistance in the UK and we all look forward to seeing him back when he’s a 100% match fit.

Finally the best news is from my mate Daren who along with his lovely Missus Tara have produced a little angel ‘Azalea’ this week.
To much alcohol and an understandable reluctance from women to have sex with me have probably resulted in my genes being removed from the gene pool but I do get a tremendous high from seeing my friends produce sprogs and Daren & Tara are two of the nicest people you will ever meet, Azalea is already holding a pair of Aces.

The one with the crumpled face and double chin is Daren