Stick or Twist
“There are people really hurting and I gotta stand there with the long face, the platitudes and the sighing, but I don’t feel it, that makes me a hypocrite and that makes me mad at them”.
Tony Soprano on describing the death on someone closet to him revealed his true feelings to the sultry Jennifer Melphi.
Still the best writing and best show on TV
The eagle has landed.
When looking for work I considered a variety of options but I choose to go somewhere quieter than Gibraltar in terms of nights out and sessions so Ireland here I come.
I am moving to the Emerald isle at the end of the month to begin a new job and just as importantly be closer to the parents. I haven’t lived in the same country as them for 22 years so its time to go home and get a little spoilt.
I met my new employers for a 2nd interview in Barcelona last week as they were all over for a big gaming conference and thanks to numerous people (esp. CD and his Mrs. Laura) I presented them with a decent plan which convinced them to employ me. Also in Barcelona was me old mucker AJ who was there representing the gravy train (formerly known as Mansion) which meant I could stay for an additional night and really let my hair down. After the interview I met up with AJ for a night on the razz after dropping off our bags at his swanky hotel.
Things began well. We went for dinner with a number of recruitment agency staff and various other freeloaders and I knew I was in for a good night when the 1st joke at the dinner table 2 minutes in was….
‘Women are like parking spaces, all the best ones are gone so occasionally when no ones looking you gotta slip it into a disabled one’…..
It also turned out the recruitment boys have not only read ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss, they had turned ‘negging’ into an art form. ‘The Game’ is written by a pickup artist and is the bible of any player on the scene today. Sadly for the female race AJ has got his hands on a copy, the consequences of this will be enormous (and hilarious).
Ladies if you see this man RUN!
After dinner the chaps went to Opium nightclub for a free bar party. You needed a wrist tag to get in and no amount of Spills-AJ blagging was convincing them that I was the CEO of one of the biggest firms on the planet.
I retired to the bar next door which was showing the Chelsea Valencia game and was surrounded by Barcelona fans informing me they hoped Ronaldinho signs for us, incredible. Chelsea won and Liverpool (The 2008 city of culture…..apply obvious gags here), lost, things were really going well.
At the final whistle AJ burst in with a bloodstained wristband I imagine he ripped off some poor innocents hand and I was in.
The 1st people I bumped into was my future employee’s who were impressed with my ability to bluff my way in, they better get used to it.
A free bar in Barcelona was topped by the fact the Irish boys offered me the job. I had another serious option at this stage which would have meant sticking in Spain, I didn’t make a quick decision but decided to ‘Twist’ after a weekends thinking.
Champagne and shots were the order of the night and I amusingly observed the recruitment chaps causing carnage, no woman was safe, especially from the negging. After the party we were invited as guests of another firm to another free bar then finally onto some dive in town charging 15! Euros a drink before retiring to AJ’s hotel at 9 in the morning, just in time to abuse room service.
I retired to the bar next door which was showing the Chelsea Valencia game and was surrounded by Barcelona fans informing me they hoped Ronaldinho signs for us, incredible. Chelsea won and Liverpool (The 2008 city of culture…..apply obvious gags here), lost, things were really going well.
At the final whistle AJ burst in with a bloodstained wristband I imagine he ripped off some poor innocents hand and I was in.
The 1st people I bumped into was my future employee’s who were impressed with my ability to bluff my way in, they better get used to it.
A free bar in Barcelona was topped by the fact the Irish boys offered me the job. I had another serious option at this stage which would have meant sticking in Spain, I didn’t make a quick decision but decided to ‘Twist’ after a weekends thinking.
Champagne and shots were the order of the night and I amusingly observed the recruitment chaps causing carnage, no woman was safe, especially from the negging. After the party we were invited as guests of another firm to another free bar then finally onto some dive in town charging 15! Euros a drink before retiring to AJ’s hotel at 9 in the morning, just in time to abuse room service.
Simon 'Groom' John 'Best Man' Paul 'Idiot'
Got back to Lalinea just in time for a mates wedding followed by a night out in the legendary Molly Blooms which is always an event.
Molly’s senior barmaid is a lady by the name of Tittie (I kid you not) who has long been the object of my desires along with just about every other hot blooded male in Spain. After I retired from the bar I drifted up to my flat to listen to a few tunes, had a ciggie on my balcony when I spotted Tittie cleaning up downstairs. Surely this was too good an opportunity to miss, I plugged in some Oasis and serenaded the beautiful Tittie, asking her if she was ‘gonna be the one that saves me’ and asking for her hand in marriage, her laughter was nearly as loud as my stereo.
After her rejection the only consolation was to put on some ‘coldplay’ and sing along to Chris Martin, the stereo was now on the balcony and being from the school of thought that it is better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission, it was on maximum volume.
I’m not sure if the police that turned up at 5am liked my rendition of the hardest part but I was certainly getting some response as they appeared to be unholstering their guns. Fortunately 2 of my neighbours managed to get me to turn it off before shots were fired.
I did feel for my neighbour Stephen who didn’t deserve the aggro but my next door neighbour Johnny Ireee (lead man of the Spice Boys) could have no complaints.
A couple of weeks ago we had agreed he would knock for me at 10ish for a few sherbets before a night in Molly’s. Now I may be old fashioned but I stupidly thought he meant 10pm so when he was knocking my door of it hinges at 10am I was a little cloudy. I opened the door to be confronted by a man clutching a bottle of Jack Daniels, Brugal and a half drunken bottle of Tequila, it was a long day.
Molly’s senior barmaid is a lady by the name of Tittie (I kid you not) who has long been the object of my desires along with just about every other hot blooded male in Spain. After I retired from the bar I drifted up to my flat to listen to a few tunes, had a ciggie on my balcony when I spotted Tittie cleaning up downstairs. Surely this was too good an opportunity to miss, I plugged in some Oasis and serenaded the beautiful Tittie, asking her if she was ‘gonna be the one that saves me’ and asking for her hand in marriage, her laughter was nearly as loud as my stereo.
After her rejection the only consolation was to put on some ‘coldplay’ and sing along to Chris Martin, the stereo was now on the balcony and being from the school of thought that it is better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission, it was on maximum volume.
I’m not sure if the police that turned up at 5am liked my rendition of the hardest part but I was certainly getting some response as they appeared to be unholstering their guns. Fortunately 2 of my neighbours managed to get me to turn it off before shots were fired.
I did feel for my neighbour Stephen who didn’t deserve the aggro but my next door neighbour Johnny Ireee (lead man of the Spice Boys) could have no complaints.
A couple of weeks ago we had agreed he would knock for me at 10ish for a few sherbets before a night in Molly’s. Now I may be old fashioned but I stupidly thought he meant 10pm so when he was knocking my door of it hinges at 10am I was a little cloudy. I opened the door to be confronted by a man clutching a bottle of Jack Daniels, Brugal and a half drunken bottle of Tequila, it was a long day.
The Spice Boys
It’s not just Jon Spice and I causing mayhem, little Kelan Spice has also been at it though his was much more subtle and well thought out. Being a little bored at work he decided to Spice up his afternoon but starting a new thread on a popular forum, simply stating ‘Cilla Black is dead’ and waited for the ensuing confusion. 350 posts later people began to cotton on it was a wind up and a good example of the sort of banter I will miss.
I have two good links to promote this week.
The 1st one is only interesting if you play online poker or work in the industry. It’s a spoof of a spoof and very good to boot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6qc_QRy6B4
Next up is a return of a legend, my God I missed him
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAPXGuRIXsA
Time for one last tale from the past which involves 3 of the funniest people I know, AJ, PF, (former guvnor of the spillanester as well as Stan James supremo) & James, my best mate along with being Father of my goddaughter.
James arranged to meet me one Friday night to ‘wet the head’ of his new born son Carlo. We knocked it back all over Gibraltar before bumping into AJ & PF who decided to join in with the festivities. I had only been working for SJ for a couple of weeks so it was my intention to keep my head down but the long session as well topping it off with multi coloured shots was to much for me, I was plastered.
We left one bar for a final assault; apparently I was being carried by AJ & PF as I had temporarily lost control of my legs. After getting a knock back,
‘You can’t bring that moron in here’,
James decided this was an opportune moment to drive home.
It took the Spanish police all of one millisecond to nab him and ask him if he had been drinking.
‘One glass of wine officer’
was the response. When he realised they weren’t buying this he tried every technique in the book to wriggle his way out of it.
‘My wife’s left me’ (untrue)
‘I’m a father today’ (true)
As well as the old favourite of just releasing tiny breathes into the bag to try and fool them. A one year ban and hefty fine proved the Spanish police didn’t buy that.
Meanwhile back in Gibraltar I was faring little better. PF had decided I was to far gone to get into the local nightclub so proceeded to try and make me sick. He and AJ began sticking their fingers down their throat to show me how to make myself sick. I came round for a moment to be confronted by my boss and colleague hacking their guts up. AJ informs me it was at this stage I fell off the wall we were on into a parked motorbike which led a domino effect of knocking over approx 25 other bikes.
The chaps managed to run off carrying me and got me into the company flat I shared with a Serbian bloke who later claimed he had never seen a scene like it, praise indeed.
Upon reaching my front room I stripped naked and made a run for it. PF and AJ comprehended me at the door and dragged me back to the front room kicking and screaming. Now apparently I began swinging punches at my new boss and telling them to release a naked me immediately. They decided the best option was to haul me into the bathroom and put me under a freezing cold shower when I began crying asking them why they were doing this to me.
I awoke the following morning with not only the mother of all hangovers and with the certain the certain knowledge I was going to be fired. I phoned PF and informed him I had lost not only my glasses and wallet but also my dignity & pride. He pissed himself laughing and said he’d see me Monday, my new employers have been warned.
I have two good links to promote this week.
The 1st one is only interesting if you play online poker or work in the industry. It’s a spoof of a spoof and very good to boot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6qc_QRy6B4
Next up is a return of a legend, my God I missed him
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAPXGuRIXsA
Time for one last tale from the past which involves 3 of the funniest people I know, AJ, PF, (former guvnor of the spillanester as well as Stan James supremo) & James, my best mate along with being Father of my goddaughter.
James arranged to meet me one Friday night to ‘wet the head’ of his new born son Carlo. We knocked it back all over Gibraltar before bumping into AJ & PF who decided to join in with the festivities. I had only been working for SJ for a couple of weeks so it was my intention to keep my head down but the long session as well topping it off with multi coloured shots was to much for me, I was plastered.
We left one bar for a final assault; apparently I was being carried by AJ & PF as I had temporarily lost control of my legs. After getting a knock back,
‘You can’t bring that moron in here’,
James decided this was an opportune moment to drive home.
It took the Spanish police all of one millisecond to nab him and ask him if he had been drinking.
‘One glass of wine officer’
was the response. When he realised they weren’t buying this he tried every technique in the book to wriggle his way out of it.
‘My wife’s left me’ (untrue)
‘I’m a father today’ (true)
As well as the old favourite of just releasing tiny breathes into the bag to try and fool them. A one year ban and hefty fine proved the Spanish police didn’t buy that.
Meanwhile back in Gibraltar I was faring little better. PF had decided I was to far gone to get into the local nightclub so proceeded to try and make me sick. He and AJ began sticking their fingers down their throat to show me how to make myself sick. I came round for a moment to be confronted by my boss and colleague hacking their guts up. AJ informs me it was at this stage I fell off the wall we were on into a parked motorbike which led a domino effect of knocking over approx 25 other bikes.
The chaps managed to run off carrying me and got me into the company flat I shared with a Serbian bloke who later claimed he had never seen a scene like it, praise indeed.
Upon reaching my front room I stripped naked and made a run for it. PF and AJ comprehended me at the door and dragged me back to the front room kicking and screaming. Now apparently I began swinging punches at my new boss and telling them to release a naked me immediately. They decided the best option was to haul me into the bathroom and put me under a freezing cold shower when I began crying asking them why they were doing this to me.
I awoke the following morning with not only the mother of all hangovers and with the certain the certain knowledge I was going to be fired. I phoned PF and informed him I had lost not only my glasses and wallet but also my dignity & pride. He pissed himself laughing and said he’d see me Monday, my new employers have been warned.
PF and AJ in traditional pose
posted by lionel hutz at 10/12/2007
